Xena opened her eyes, instantly fully awake. That's simply the way her body was. She usually woke slightly before dawn, immediately aware of all her surroundings.

She remembered the time, right after she and Gabrielle first became lovers. Xena never could understand, in the seasons they traveled together, why her young lover was so difficult to rouse in the morning. It was as if Gabrielle hadn't any sleep during the night. It shocked, surprised, and flattered the warrior to find that the young woman sat up in the middle of the might, for candlemarks, simply looking down at the beautiful dark-haired woman.

**********

One night, the warrior felt Gabrielle's body, leaning down over her. She silently opened one eye, surprising the small blonde.

"Gabrielle, why are you staring at me when you should be asleep?"

"I--I'm not staring!" Gabrielle replied defensively, flopping down onto the bedroll. The bard rolled away from her lover, taking most of the blanket along with her.

Xena was awake now and in the mood to tease her new lover. She pressed her long figure to Gabrielle's back, snuggling up against the small blonde.

"Hey, you have all the blanket now. I'm cold too," Xena lied. She pressed her body tighter against the young woman, nuzzling her neck and placing small kisses on the smooth skin.

"Brie?"

"Hhmm?" Gabrielle answered. She was rather enjoying the sensation.

"Do you always sit up at night, watching me?"

Xena asked the question in a sultry voice, interjecting it at just the right moment. Gabrielle had her eyes closed, neck tilted to one side, and a dreamy expression on her face. Her eyes opened wide when the warrior's words registered.

"Oh, you!" The bard brought her elbow back sharply into the warrior's midsection.

Xena knew the young woman and braced her abdominal muscles, anticipating the blow. She chuckled as Gabrielle rolled further away.

"Brie, I'm sorry…I was just teasing." She lightly touched Gabrielle's shoulder.

"I don't know what you want with me anyway. You're the Warrior Princess…I'm such a nobody," the bard said forlornly.

Xena lost the expression of mirth, replacing it with a frown. Realization dawned bright and she pulled the reluctant woman toward her.

"Gabrielle, don't you know how beautiful and wonderful you are?"

"To you."

"To everyone, my heart. Everyone we meet can see the light in your soul, can feel the warmth burning there."

Gabrielle finally let herself relax in the warrior's embrace, but to Xena, it felt more like a gesture of defeat. She wrapped her arms tightly around the young woman and kissed the back of her head.

"But, you…you're…well, you're you, Xe. People will always wonder what you see in me."

"Yes, love, people do know of me, but only you know the real me. I've been across the Known World; my reputation has traveled far and wide. People recognize me the minute I walk into a town. They've seen many of my faces over the seasons and they think they know the me inside this shell, but more often than not, I'm ashamed for the reasons they know me. There is only one thing that I'm proud for people to know about me, my heart."

"What's that?" Gabrielle asked.

Xena smiled and kissed the mouth that turned toward her.

"That I won your heart," the warrior answered.

Gabrielle reached up to capture the lips again that, in return, pressed against hers so softly.

"It wasn't much of a contest, Xe," she whispered as they pulled apart. "All you had to do was ask."

**********

As she always did, Xena simply felt Gabrielle's presence. Therefore, when she opened her eyes, she wasn't surprised to see her wife, lying in bed next to her. Gabrielle leaned up on one elbow, looking down on the warrior. Xena noticed that the emerald eyes, which gazed down at her, generally filled with love and adoration, were filled with something more. Clouding those emotions was a look of guilt and sorrow that was new to the warrior. Her wife's face mirrored the grief they both experienced over the last three days. Now, when the warrior looked up, it was as if Xena caught Gabrielle looking down at her with feelings of remorse etched across her face.

Xena reached out to pull Gabrielle to her, but instantly felt her wife's hand on her chest, discouraging the ploy. The warrior's questioning expression urged the Queen to quickly explain.

"I…um, my chest…it's a bit tender."

Xena sat up and with an extremely light touch, cupped her hand around one of her wife's swollen breasts. Her fingers delicately brushed the skin, feeling the hard fullness. Gabrielle winced, even at the gentle touch.

"Seems like a lot tender would be a better way to put it," Xena said. "How do they actually feel, besides tender?" Xena asked in concern.

"Painful," Gabrielle answered. "They feel strange…full and hard as rocks. This didn't happen with--before." Gabrielle didn't even want to say Hope's name to herself, not now when she was on the verge of some sort of breakdown already.

"I'm sorry, Brie, I should have prepared for this the other day, but I think it's…well, it's from the…the milk you're producing."

Xena wasn't shy or embarrassed about the topic, but she hated bringing up one more thing that would remind her wife of their loss.

Gabrielle looked across at her wife. She didn't want to let it out, but she couldn't seem to hold back. Silent and unexpected tears tracked their way down the Queen's cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she said, wiping the tears away with her hand. "I didn't mean to cry again."

"Brie…it's okay," Xena reassured, reaching out her own hand to brush her fingers against the young woman's cheek. "It's something that reminded you of our loss. It's okay to cry about it."

Gabrielle nodded her head, too unsure of her voice to speak. Xena sat against the head of the bed and encouraged the young woman to lay with her back against the warrior's chest.

Finally settled, Xena said, "I can ask Sartori, I know she has the herbs. I can make a tea and all you have to do is drink a mug in the morning for around seven days or so. It will…it will dry up…" Xena couldn't finish.

Gabrielle placed a hand on the warrior's forearm, which was resting across her abdomen. "Not yet, Xe."

Xena was thankful that her wife's back was to her, so the Queen couldn't see the expression forming on the warrior's face. It took a few moments until realization broke across the features that were frowning in confusion. At first, Xena couldn't think of a reason or understand why Gabrielle wouldn't want the pain of her current condition removed. Why would she want the reminder…the pain? Understanding flowed through her and the warrior knew that was the reason. The pain was Gabrielle's last reminder that only three days ago, she carried their child. Three days ago, she was looking forward to a future with the life growing inside of her. For nine moons, the young Queen bonded with and grew attached to their child, and now, all she had to remind her of Brianna's existence was the physical pain.

Xena kissed the back of her wife's head and they lay together, no conversation breaking the painful silence that hung between them. The sun was in hiding this morning under the slightly overcast conditions, and now, dark clouds moved into view. They watched through the large window, by the small wooden table, as the gray-black clouds hung low in the sky, the morning light growing dimmer. Normally shuttered during the winter months, a thin gauzy curtain covered the window when the days were so unbearably warm, as they had been recently. It occurred to Xena that they usually kept the curtain drawn until they were awake and about.

"Brie, did you open the curtain?"

"Yes. I opened it earlier when I had some tea. I was just watching the sun come up." Gabrielle didn't tell her wife that she was thinking, rather forlornly, of her father as she watched dawn break over the Amazon village.

"I never even heard you get up," Xena said with a hint of amazement.

"You were sound asleep," Gabrielle replied, squeezing the warrior's hand. "You looked like you needed the sleep as much as me."

"Couldn't you sleep?" Xena asked.

"Something like that."

"Dreams again?"

Gabrielle nodded and sighed deeply.

"Brie, do you remember when you were afraid to tell me your nightmare because you thought it would hurt me?" Xena questioned her wife. She didn't have to say when, they both knew.

"Yes," Gabrielle replied.

"My heart, there isn't anything that you can't tell me. I'll understand. You know as well as I that our dreamscapes don't always tell the truth. Sometimes they're just bits and pieces of our own thoughts or guilt."

Xena tried to explain as best she could, but she also knew her wife. If Gabrielle was determined that something remain a secret, the warrior could talk until sundown and still never convince the bard to open up. The warrior suspected what her wife's nightmares held. Obviously, they revolved around the sudden death of their child, but Xena knew that she probably factored in there somewhere too.

Xena's own guilt over her inability to save Brianna gnawed deeply at the warrior's conscience. She understood Gabrielle's pain. How could her wife keep from blaming her, even unconsciously? She was the Warrior Princess, the woman who conquered death and most of the known Gods. She never accepted defeat, and yet, this time she was beaten. Why this time, Gabrielle?

Xena never blamed Gabrielle for the dreams, not the last time, especially not now. The feelings were real for Gabrielle and the dreamscape is where they made their presence known for the young Queen. Xena simply wished that she could convince her mate that it was a normal response and that it wouldn't hurt the warrior to know of her wife's dreams.

"I'll understand whatever you're feeling, Brie. I just wish you'd talk to me. It's been three days, love, and you've hardly eaten a bite. You've already lost all the weight you gained." Xena ran her hand along Gabrielle's belly, noting the flat lines that were so recently hidden by soft flesh.

"Yesterday, you worked out with Eponin for nearly half the day. Please, don't bury yourself in that like the last time. I know it helps to be able to focus your mind on something, but don't immerse yourself in being a warrior just to hide from the truth. Please, talk to me, baby," Xena at last pleaded.

"Xe…I--" Gabrielle stopped abruptly.

The Queen was about to unburden herself of her terrible secret. Her wife was so loving, willing to do or suffer anything for her. Gabrielle listened as Xena explained, and there was truth to the warrior's words. The last couple of days, Gabrielle felt herself slipping into the same hardened mode she fell into a few seasons previous. Her heart told her that Xena would find a way to forgive the young woman, but Gabrielle's head pulled her in another direction completely.

Not again, not this time, Gabrielle thought to herself. She forgave me the death of her child the first time, how could she ever do it again? How could I stand losing her love? I'll die, I'm sure of it, if I ever have to see her look at me with contempt or hate again.

"Xe," Gabrielle whispered in a broken voice. "Not today…maybe..." she sighed heavily, "just not today. Okay?"

Xena kissed the young woman's cheek. Today was their daughter's burial rites and she understood Gabrielle's wish to wait.

"Of course, my heart. I'm always here for you, Brie, always just a step away."

Thunder rumbled from a distance and rolled through the village, the two women feeling the vibration of it, deep within their chests. Shortly after, a light rain followed, and the couple lay in bed, watching it fall.

"That seems apt," Gabrielle said softly.

Xena nodded her head in complete understanding. Both their hearts mirrored the dark dreariness of this day. They lay in bed, knowing that in a few candlemarks, they would fight their greatest battle yet. Their hearts held pain and regret, sadness and guilt.

A plan formulated in the young Queen's brain, just then, the agony of her situation effectively clouding her reason. A way in which she could pay for her own sin, and not have to see Xena look on her with anything but the warrior's customary expression of love and devotion. It would be painful, but her own suffering would be her penance. She regretted the hurt she would cause her wife, knowing Xena's feelings would still turn to anger and hate, but this way, Gabrielle wouldn't have to see the look in her wife's eyes. The Queen wouldn't have to watch, as her warrior's love grew cold.

Chapter 6

Gabrielle helped her wife fasten the top catch on her tunic. Once the jacket was secure, Xena took a step back, but not before brushing the back of her fingers along Gabrielle's cheek. The Queen gave the warrior a weak smile and Xena returned one of the same. Xena watched as the small blonde turned away to finish dressing herself. The dark-haired woman wore the outfit she used for diplomatic purposes as the Queen's Consort. Black leather trousers, a long sleeved silk shirt that laced up the front and the tight fitting jacket with the Amazon Queen's insignia on the sleeves. Xena felt stiff and uncomfortable in the outfit, but she thought that fitting. She didn't want to wear her customary leathers; she would feel too relaxed in her battle skirt. She didn't want to wear something that would remind her; each time she put it on, of this day. No, better to be ill at ease now, the warrior thought to herself.

The two women were preparing for their customary visitation before their daughter's funeral ceremony began. They would have their time alone, then, along with the Queen Regent and several other witnesses, they would watch as the Healers sealed Brianna's body into the tiny sarcophagus the woodworker carved.

Crista fashioned the small box. In only two days, the woman completed an ornately decorated cover, in which to send off the little Princess. She carved the Queen's crest into the lid and added small areas of red paint, to signify royalty. The older woman brought the carved lid by their home the previous day, in order to obtain the Queen's approval.

Xena stood, gazing pensively out the window, watching as the light rain fell from the sky. She always loved the rain. She loved the way it made everything smell; the humid, earthy scent that hung heavy in the air. Fresh and clean, the rain always washed away the dust from the roads. Now, Xena feared that, with the coming seasons, she would only remember one thing about the rain…that it fell on the day of her daughter's funeral.

She turned her head to watch Gabrielle. The young Queen wore one of her longer leather skirts, belted at the waist with a length of braided, soft leather. The skirt came well past her knees and the top was made of the same soft leather. Xena showed Gabrielle how to cushion her swollen and tender breasts with one of her tighter undergarments, placing soft cloth in the center of the cups of the top. Gabrielle refused the tea the warrior offered to make her, so she had to face, not only the discomfort of her breasts, full and heavy with milk, but a natural side effect of that also. The cloth was to protect her top from the unbidden instances when the droplets of milk would leak from her body and wet her garment.

Gabrielle gathered one last item from the room, placing it in a cloth sack and wrapping it up carefully. She paused, and then looked up at her wife. The tall woman crossed the room and opened a chest, lying on the floor. She picked up a small item and tucked it into her tunic. Rising again, Xena retrieved the Queen's cloak from a peg on the wall and held it open for her.

"Xe, it's awfully warm for that, it's only a little rain."

It was true. Although the rain was providing the precipitation that they desperately needed, it was still extremely warm outside. The rain managed to simply make everything unbearably humid.

"I know, love, but you'll get soaked by the time we get back here and I don't want you to catch your--" Xena caught herself.

"I just don't want you to get soaked," she added quickly.

Gabrielle knew it was pointless to argue. She simply nodded her head and turned around so her warrior could drape the cloak across her shoulders. She felt the strong arms embrace her from behind and a kiss against the back of her head. She would have liked to turn and sob heavily in the warrior's arms, to just let go and have Xena pet her, kiss her forehead, and whisper reassuringly in her ear. Gabrielle refused to allow herself even this small bit of comfort. She wouldn't allow Xena to use all the warrior's own strength, simply for her. She couldn't allow her wife to take on the burden of carrying Gabrielle. The Queen set her jaw in a show of fierce determination. She would have to show them…everyone…that the Queen could walk down this path herself.

**********

It was difficult for the Queen and her Consort to accept that this small, gauze wrapped package was their daughter. The tiny form lay in the small sarcophagus, which sat upon a low-lying table. The two women sat in silence, one on each side.

In truth, Gabrielle, admittedly a woman of words, found that she had none. Not any that made sense, anyway, and she needed to make sense of this. Gods, maybe I am becoming too much the warrior. She realized this was how Xena got through. Trying to sort events, especially the tragic ones, and placing them in an appropriate place, just waiting for the day when you would have time to examine them closer. Only, that day never comes, but the hope is that enough times passes and makes the happening easier to bear.

Suddenly she found herself thinking of Crista, the wood carver who fashioned Brianna's sarcophagus. Gabrielle tried to follow her train of thought backward, wondering what prompted her to think of the woman. It was because she was remembering when she and Xena walked through the village, on their way here, to this small hut set apart from all the others of the village.

Gabrielle remembered thinking that to most of the Amazon village, this was just another day in their lives. They probably had no idea at the depth of the pain she and her wife were enduring. They would be sad, and respectful, and some would shed tears, but they wouldn't feel as she and Xena felt. They wouldn't sense that their whole world just became devoid of pleasure or happiness. No one would feel that…but Crista would.

Last season, the woman lost her only child. Gabrielle presided over the burial rites, in a somewhat less formal situation than today. The Queen truly thought, on that day, that she was feeling the woman's sadness as her own. Now, having encountered the sorrow and the loss, Gabrielle realized that she felt nothing of what the woman was experiencing on that day.

The Queen looked over and slipped her hand within her Consort's, which lay resting atop the casket. Without looking over at her, Xena squeezed the small hand reassuringly. The thumb of the larger hand stroked the trembling fingers, as the two women silently shared the immense burden of their anguish.

Gabrielle knew, the women whose eyes followed them through the village today, could not truly understand what she an Xena were feeling. She merely hoped and prayed that none of them would ever discover it first hand.

Sartori's hands came to rest, first on one of Xena's shoulders, then on Gabrielle's shoulder. The Healer could think of no appropriate words. Saying, 'it was time,' seemed so harsh and final for the two women who most certainly suffered their fair share of trials in their young lives.

"Would you like a little more time…to offer your gifts?" Sartori asked.

Both women nodded and the Healer moved to a corner of the small hut where her own wife stood. Adia, the taller of the two, wrapped an arm around the smaller woman's shoulder, Sartori's arm slipping around the tall Healer's waist without much conscious thought.

Xena looked over at Gabrielle for a few long moments, trying to decipher the expression on the young Queen's face, wondering if her thoughts took the same meandering paths as the warrior's did for the last candlemark. The dark-haired woman lifted the small hand, cradled gently in her own, to her lips, placing a light kiss on it.

Gabrielle looked across at her wife, noting the dark circles under the warrior's eyes. The skin that was usually a dark bronze from the sun, uncharacteristically pale. The blonde understood the unspoken question the blue eyes posed. Gabrielle reluctantly nodded her head in response.

Both of them rose at once, each appearing somewhat unwilling to release the other's hand. When at last they broke apart, Xena stood and waited as Gabrielle bent to retrieve the small sack she carried from their home. Pulling the object from its covering, Gabrielle paused, understanding that this gesture was a release of sorts. She hesitated because she really wasn't sure if she was ready to let go. Knowing she had no other option, the Queen pulled the object completely free of its wrapping to reveal an Amazon Mask.

Amazon tradition required the reigning Queen to create the mask for her future heir. Gabrielle spent many painstaking hours creating just the right combination of paint, feathers, beads, and carvings. The final product was an impressive mask, one in which the small blonde hoped conveyed just the right amount of ceremony, tradition, and intimidation.

Gabrielle looked at the mask as she held it in both her hands. The young Queen's face was unreadable, even to her lover. At last, Gabrielle gently placed the mask inside the sarcophagus, beside her lifeless infant.

As Gabrielle withdrew a step from the casket, Xena unfastened one of the middle catches on her tunic and reached into the open jacket. She pulled a small object out. It was a shock of sweet lemongrass, braided, and then fastened into a loop. Every inch or so, along the length of the braid, was a decorative knot.

Cyrene showed the warrior how to fashion the complicated knot pattern. The older woman explained to her daughter that when Xena was an infant, Cyrene fashioned the braided grass, just as her own mother showed her. According to Xena's grandmother, the object was a teething ring. The circular shape gave the infant's hand something to easily grasp, the anesthetic properties of the lemongrass eased the baby's teething discomfort, and the knotted areas were a symbol of a mother's love. Those decorative knots began with an intricate series of over and under moves. The result was a tight loop in the shape of a heart.

The warrior hunched over her child's casket, the carefully constructed gift in her hand, fingering each knot in turn. Usually, Amazon tradition allowed for the family to send their loved one off with one gift from each of them, something of special meaning to the deceased. It was believed, that when the departed began their journey to the Amazon Land of the Dead, special memories from the gifts surrounding them would guarantee that the love of family would never be forgotten…even in death.

The warrior returned to her standing position after having laid the small gift beside her daughter's body. She stepped back beside her wife and the two women watched as the ceremony was performed to seal the royal casket. Xena and Gabrielle stood side by side, the length of their arms touching the entire time. Some would be surprised that the Queen and her Consort were not sharing an embrace or clasping hands tightly, during this heart-wrenching scene. Those onlookers would be mistaken, however, if they thought the two women stood separate in their pain, for not a moment passed when they weren't in physical contact some way. The connection they shared, in their grief, was very nearly psychic. No words needed to be spoken or sentiments shared between them. This was a bond created by pain, and shared on this level between only these two.

Four Royal Guard surrounded the sarcophagus, waiting patiently, for Xena to escort the Queen to the area of the funeral pyre. The Queen and the warrior exchanged a brief glance; unshed tears held in check by both women. Gabrielle turned, and in a slow deliberate motion, crossed the small room, pausing at the open door.

The young woman experienced a sudden attack of dizziness, fighting a wave of nausea back with deep breaths. Xena moved quickly when she saw Gabrielle clutch at the doorpost, her nails digging into the soft wood. The warrior watched, as the Queen's mask nearly fell from her grasp.

Gabrielle leaned her body back against the tower of warm strength behind her. Xena's body pressed up against the Queen's back, the warrior's hands gently holding the young woman steady. The episode of lightheadedness passed and Gabrielle sighed heavily, as if there were no strength left in her body.

"Easy, my heart…breathe," Xena whispered. "Okay?" The tall woman pressed her lips against the back of her wife's head and felt the motion of Gabrielle slightly nodding.

What would I do without her? Gabrielle thought to herself. No…what will I do without her.

Gabrielle took a small step forward, breaking away from the comforting embrace of her wife. She raised the Queen's mask in both hands and, taking one last, deep breath, she placed the mask across her face. She felt an odd comfort from the act. She felt as if she were not only hiding her face away, but her heart, as well. This…this would make it bearable, her mind comforted. The wall that could be slipped around one's emotions, the wall that warriors were so famous for, that her own warrior spent seasons trying to overcome. This was Gabrielle's salvation and she wondered why such a thing as a warrior's trick should come so easily to her now.

Xena took her position beside Gabrielle, sparing a fleeting moment to glance down at the small woman, before she slipped on the mask. The thought that stuck in the warrior's mind was how familiar the look of emptiness and grim determination looked on her lover's face. Familiar expressions, but out of place on her wife. What the warrior really thought, as she felt Gabrielle move beside her toward the pyre, was how much Gabrielle looked like her. The ache in her heart was caused by the knowledge that when they stepped from the small hut, Xena no longer saw the sweet bard of Potidaea, only the Queen of the Amazons.

The Guard followed half a dozen paces behind the Queen and her Consort. Xena was glad she made her wife wear the cloak, as the rain fell lightly, but steadily. The young Queen could barely see the rain, let alone feel it. Nearly in front of the large pyre, Gabrielle unconsciously reached out for Xena's hand, the warrior sensing the contact before it arrived. They walked the rest of the way like that, stony expressions masking their true emotions. Forced to control their display of grief because of who they were, what they represented. For this small space in time, they were not allowed to be two women enduring perhaps the most difficult day of their lives. They existed as rulers and leaders within this community, and because of this, their lives were not fully their own.

The Guard slid the sarcophagus onto the platform above the wood that the village carefully situated for the fire. The funeral rites began, chanting and songs, some in a language Xena didn't understand, but that she had only heard before. It's happening so quickly was Xena's first thought. At the same time, the warrior felt the day would take an eternity to end. The warrior disappeared into herself, the only connection to the physical world was the small hand that trembled in hers.

Xena looked next to her, blocking out the happenings around her, she watched the young Queen by her side. Gabrielle stared straight ahead, her body tight as a bowstring, but trembling all over at the same time. The fearsome mask covered the Queen's beautiful face, hiding Gabrielle's usually expressive visage. She could have been carved in stone, but for the tears Xena saw slide out from under the mask. The warrior no longer held back her own tears as they mixed with the rain that wet her face.

She watched as two of the Guards poured a thick black substance out onto the base of the pyre. All along the wood, they poured the viscous liquid from the hollowed out gourds used as containers. The rain made the wood wet and so; Greek Fire seemed to be the answer to give the damp logs a chance to catch and burn.

Even behind the Queen's mask, Gabrielle appeared stunned that they had been standing there for nearly a candlemark. Two of the Royal Guard broke their stiff formation, one carrying a large brass bowl, filled with hot coals, the other a long bow with one arrow. The coals were placed at Gabrielle's feet and the Guard knelt before the Queen, offering up the bow and arrow. Gabrielle didn't move, she simply stared down at the bow as if she didn't know what to do.

Xena cursed herself for the hundredth time. The pyre was to be lit by either she or Gabrielle. Xena agreed to do it when Ephiny first explained the Royal funeral rites to them. The warrior didn't want her wife to have to experience one more brand of pain. Gabrielle argued with her all last evening, becoming upset and breaking into tears. She was so adamant about being the one to light the pyre that Xena agreed, simply to calm her wife down. Now, watching Gabrielle struggle with the burden, Xena had to clench her fists to keep from stepping in.

Gabrielle realized that she was the one they were waiting for. Her mind went completely blank. The only thing she was aware of was the sharp hissing noise the raindrops made as the splashed into the bucket of hot coals. She watched as her own hands reached out for the offered bow, seeming as if they belonged to someone else's body and not her own. Gazing at the trembling fingers as they wrapped themselves around the unfamiliar weapon, she felt as if she were watching herself from far off, not even feeling she was really in her own body. It was a matter of memory, the limited lessons that Eponin taught her on how to use the bow, that Gabrielle fell back on now.

The head of the arrow was wrapped in gauze and dipped in Greek Fire. The Queen notched the arrow, standing still for the longest time. Ephiny looked over and searched for some sign that Gabrielle would be unable to continue. The Regent was comforted by the fact that Xena edged herself closer to her wife, noticing Gabrielle's erratic behavior.

Gabrielle took a deep breath, the first one having caught it her throat. Her limbs felt frozen, too heavy to lift. With what the Queen thought of as a massive effort, she bent and slowly let the coals spark the arrow into flame. Her warrior watched the slow movements, understanding the hesitation in her wife's momentum. Once the arrow flew, it would be over. There would be no redemption from the Gods, nothing Xena could do to save the day.

The Queen brought the bow up and drew back the string. The flame from the arrow felt hot against her hand as she pulled the bowstring back farther, then Gabrielle froze. She could neither continue, nor go back, and so she froze in place.

Xena watched on as Gabrielle's motion stopped. It was longer than necessary and the warrior wasn't sure how long she should wait before stepping in. Finally, Gabrielle's arms began to shake with the effort at holding back the taut bowstring. Xena was so close; all she had to do was grasp the bow in her left hand, covering Gabrielle's small hand. The warrior reached her right arm around the Queen and plucked the bowstring from Gabrielle's shaky fingers.

"We can do this, Brie," Xena's low voice whispered in the blonde's ear.

Gabrielle nodded, unable to speak, and let the warrior's strength flow into her. Together, the Queen and her Consort let fly the arrow. The flaming projectile imbedded itself into a large log at the base of the pyre and the fire spread quickly until it was a roaring blaze. The singing and chanting continued around the two women, but they were as oblivious to that as to the rain that fell steadily from the sky.

Gabrielle felt limp and never resisted when Xena turned the small woman in her arms and they stood there, the Amazon Queen wrapped in the warrior's embrace. Her mask pressed against her face as Gabrielle rested her head on her wife's chest. They stood like this for some time, two, then three candlemarks having gone by before Ephiny could convince Xena that the only way Gabrielle would go inside, would be if the warrior led the way. Xena once again cursed her own foolishness at risking Gabrielle's health. The warrior eventually led the young Queen from their place in front of the still blazing fire, back to their home.

Ephiny watched the Royal couple walk away and prayed to Artemis that she would intervene at some point. There were some things that people came back from, even Xena and Gabrielle, but this one would be a test of epic proportions. The Regent knew other couples whose love for one another grew cold over their inability to cope with the death of a child. She hoped and prayed that the Queen and her Consort were prepared for the battle ahead.

**********

"Noooooo…"

Gabrielle's scream broke through the stillness of the early morning once more. Xena quickly wrapped her own body around the small one wrapped into a fetal position beside her.

"Sshh…baby, I've got you. It's okay…" the warrior murmured to the exhausted young woman.

Xena felt Gabrielle's body eventually go still again, deep, even breaths coming from the sleeping Queen. Even though the warrior's sleep was fitful, she at least slept. Gabrielle spent the previous night and day passing between sleep and her nightmare-laden dreamscape. After the exhausting funeral yesterday, Xena tried to allow Gabrielle time to rest today, but the dreamscape images that haunted her bard, simply became stronger.

Having finally slept for a few uninterrupted candlemarks, Gabrielle rose to find the day sunny and warm, as if yesterday's rain had never been. Xena walked into the house, dirt, and sweat plastered to the warrior's skin. She carried a tray of food and Gabrielle couldn't help but notice her wife and the friend who tagged behind the tall warrior. Gabrielle envied the look of peace on her wife's face, brought about, no doubt, by a strenuous workout on the practice field. Xena told her on more than one occasion that was the way warriors worked things out.

She's working it out…why can't I? Well, that's easy…she wasn't responsible for her child's death.

Gabrielle felt sleepy, battered, and beyond weary, but the expression on Eponin's face caused the young Queen to make the attempt at a smile.

Eponin timidly followed Xena into the house. Seeing Gabrielle bathed and dressed was a relief to Xena. The young woman looked a little battle-weary, but at least functional. The warrior didn't like the dark circles that hung under the bard's eyes, which grew darker every day. Her wife's weight did not escape the warrior's scrutiny either. In four days, Gabrielle managed to lose a considerable amount of body mass. Yes, Xena admitted, a great deal was due to the birth, but her wife wasn't eating, and that worried the warrior as much as the constant nightmares that plagued the young Queen.

"Gabrielle?" Eponin asked quietly.

The small blonde met the warrior halfway across the room to accept a hug. Eponin gingerly placed her arms around the young woman, using as gentle a touch as she could.

"It's okay, Ep," Gabrielle said, pulling out of the embrace. "I won't break."

The Amazon smiled back and let out a short sigh of relief. Eponin wasn't used to dealing with these kinds of situations and it broke her heart that it was happening to two of her closest friends.

"I didn't know what to say…yesterday…"

"It's okay…I understand," Gabrielle mustered up another smile that tugged painfully at her friend's heart. "But, I'm not that fragile…you're not going to crush me or anything with a hug." Gabrielle tried to tease the serious warrior and received that relieved expression once again.

"I'm not so sure." Eponin grinned. "When's the last time this woman fed you?" the Amazon jerked a thumb in Xena's direction.

The Queen and her Consort exchanged a hurried glance that spoke volumes to the Amazon.

"Well, I've been here all of two heartbeats and I've already put my foot in it, haven't I?" Eponin muttered. The warrior could have kicked herself, realizing that Gabrielle probably had no stomach for food, and that it was certainly already an issue between her two friends.

"Hey, no big deal," Xena said, coming forward to slap the Amazon on the back. The tall warrior slipped an arm around her wife's shoulders and gave her a tender kiss. "We were just going to sit down for a bite, right Brie?" Xena indicated the tray of food on the table.

Gabrielle nodded. Her wife stepped in just in time to save everyone from embarrassment.

"There's plenty, Ep," Gabrielle looked at the large wooden platter of food. "Why don't you join us?"

Xena was surprised at the request for company her wife made. She took it as a good sign, however, and nodded her head up and down at the Amazon standing in front of her.

"Sure, if you really want me to," Eponin replied.

It took about a quarter of a candlemark before the Amazon warrior felt comfortable again in front of her old friends. Eponin figured it was a warrior thing, the ability she and Xena had to slip right back into their easy friendship. Xena didn't talk about anything touchy-feely and Eponin tried to veer as far away from any sensitive type moments as she could. It was the perfect solution. Gabrielle was a different story.

The Amazon felt like she was walking on eggshells with her Queen. Gabrielle had a sensitive nature and Eponin felt as if she was sure to say the wrong thing. If Gabrielle cried, Ep didn't know what she'd do, well, after she got up off the floor, because she was certain that's where the Warrior Princess would put the Amazon if she did make the small blonde cry.

Gabrielle tried to keep up her end of the conversation, but she was failing miserably and she knew it. She just didn't feel like talking. She didn't want to see anyone or be with anyone. It was almost like a hollow spot, the space within her soul that knew love and compassion. It was once filled, but now all she could sense was this emptiness there and no matter how hard she tried to pull herself out of this funk, she couldn't get past it. She was reminded of a deep, dark pit. She kept trying to climb up the sides, little by little finding some purchase, but all of a sudden, for no reason at all, the walls would crumble within her grasp, and she would slip back into the darkness once again. She would try again, but Gabrielle knew that if she didn't make it out soon, she might eventually lack the strength to try anymore.

The young Queen couldn't hide her lack of appetite from her wife or the Amazon warrior who shared their meal. Gabrielle made a good show regarding the food on her plate, but all she was really doing was moving it around from place to place. The two warriors eventually ate their fill, but neither mentioned the fact that Gabrielle consumed a total of one piece of cheese; unless you counted the small piece of flatbread, she nibbled on throughout the meal.

"You two look as though you had quite a workout," Gabrielle mentioned.

"Yep," the Amazon replied. "There's nothin' like taking on a class full of zealous students, to get your mind in focus."

"Does it help you like that, Xe?" Gabrielle asked Xena with curiosity.

"Yea, I guess it helps…some." Xena answered. Her wife caught her off guard with that one. It wasn't like Gabrielle to question the ways of a warrior.

"Then maybe I should head out to the practice field." The young Queen answered.

"That's a great idea, Gabrielle. Get a good workout and you'll have that appetite back in no time!" Eponin responded, perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

Xena just stared at the small blonde for a moment or two. The silence became slightly uncomfortable and the Amazon suddenly understood that she might have overstepped her bounds.

"Of course, you want to take it easy…you know, just…um…well, uh slow, yea, slow to start…"

Xena could only stare at her wife. She recognized that look within Gabrielle's green gaze; the warrior had seen it before. Gabrielle was struggling with something from within, something that went far deeper than the loss of their child. She gave the impression of a woman who was trying to keep herself afloat in a sea of insanity. Her bard was grasping, reaching out to try to find something to hold onto. How can I deny her anything that might help bring her back to me?

"You don't want to overdo it," Xena said, reaching over to place her hand upon Gabrielle's forearm. "You know, make sure you stretch and loosen up some of those tight areas before getting into anything."

Gabrielle heard the reluctance in her wife's voice, but she also heard the tender concern, and that pained her. I'm hurting her more everyday and I can't seem to stop myself. Oh, Xe, why can't you be harsh or angry with me…at least make this easier for me to bear?

"Yea, well…um, lunch was great guys…so, maybe I'll see you on the practice field, Gabrielle," Eponin said, rising from her seat. She watched as Xena raised an eyebrow in her direction and quickly added, "or not…you know, whatever…"

"I think you scared her," Gabrielle said to her own warrior once Eponin closed the door.

"Sorry…I didn't mean anything by it," Xena responded, a contrite expression on her face. "Brie, if you want to get your mind off things and get in shape, I think it's great that you want to get out on the practice field, but I don't want to have to worry about you the whole time."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that you are losing too much weight, you're hardly sleeping a full candlemark the entire night, and you're not eating enough to keep a bird alive. If you start overexerting yourself, I'm afraid you might become ill, or worse, hurt yourself. Suffering from sleep deprivation and malnutrition are hardly conducive to safe weaponry practice."

Xena took a deep breath, just this moment realizing she'd risen and begun to pace the floor. She circled around, having no recollection of getting this far. She turned around to face her wife, just in time to see Gabrielle approaching, a small smile on the young woman's face.

"What?" the warrior asked a little defensively.

Gabrielle reached the tall woman and slipped her arms around the warrior's waist. "Thanks for always worrying about me."

"You mean, you're not going to yell at me and tell me you're a grown woman, and can make your own decisions?"

"Would it stop you from worrying?" Gabrielle asked.

"No."

"That's what I thought," the Queen responded.

The two met in a gentle kiss, her wife's sweet touch lighting a fire within her, as always. Xena responded to the kiss by pressing her mouth harder, pulling her wife's body against her and enjoying the feel. Gabrielle was the first to pull away, pressing her hand to the warrior's chest.

"Hey," Gabrielle whispered. "I better get out to the practice field while it's still daylight.

Xena reached down to nuzzle the Queen's neck, placing soft kisses on the skin there.

"You could postpone that workout. Or, I could give you a private workout," Xena whispered seductively.

Gabrielle pushed herself further away from the warrior, but not before she caught the wounded expression on Xena's face.

"How long were you out on the practice field?" Gabrielle asked, trying to change the subject.

"Huh? A couple candlemarks, I guess. Why?"

"You need a bath, warrior," the Queen answered with a grin.

"You could help…" the warrior offered.

Gabrielle broke completely free of the taller woman's embrace and tried to make it sound as if she were teasing. How could she explain to Xena that she simply had no desire…even for her wife?

"I better go or I'll never get in that workout," Gabrielle answered.

Before Xena knew it, she was standing in the room alone. The warrior wondered how one minute she could feel like whisking her wife off to bed, then the next moment be standing there, feeling rather abandoned.

Hades! Gods woman, that was pushing…no wonder she ran off. You're pushing too hard, warrior; give her a chance. Xena wanted to make love to her wife, but it wasn't out of random lust. She wanted to be with Gabrielle, and no other, simply out of love. She felt like being close to the small woman, feeling that bond…their lovemaking always brought about. The only problem was that the feeling she received from her wife, didn't appear to be mutual. Gabrielle…pushing me away? Gods, I have to give her some more time. You thick headed, warrior!

Xena crossed to the window and watched as her wife walked with her staff, toward the end of the village.

"You take all the time you need, Brie," Xena whispered aloud. "I'll be here when you find your way back."

Chapter 7

"Anyone home?"

"Xena," Adia welcomed the tall warrior into the home she shared with her mate, Sartori. "Of course, come in."

The tall blonde rose, dusting her hands of powdered herbs, and then clasped the warrior's forearm in greeting. A number of sacks and wooden bowls were scattered atop a small wooden table and Adia pulled over another chair, indicating it to Xena.

"Please, sit."

"I didn't mean to interrupt…if you're busy…" Xena let the statement trail off.

"No, no, come on, sit down," the Healer pushed aside some of the bowls.

Xena sat down in the chair and the worried expression on her face told Adia that this wasn't merely a social call. Besides, the warrior wasn't exactly the type for chatty visits over nothing. Just then, the door to the bedroom opened and Sartori appeared in the doorway.

"Xena, how wonderful to see you," the small Healer welcomed. "I was just going to make some tea, won't you join us?"

"Um…well, actually…I kind of wanted to…well, to talk to Adia," Xena responded hesitantly.

Sartori was a smart woman and considering her wife's area of Healing, whenever they had visitors that asked for her mate, Sartori made herself scarce.

"Of course. Well, how about a cup of tea anyway? I have a patient to see in the infirmary, so I can get out of your hair for a while."

Before the warrior knew it, she was sipping on a soothing mug of raspberry mint tea as the small Healer gave her wife a kiss on the cheek before heading out the door.

"I won't be long." Xena said, half rising from her seat.

"Nonsense, I'll be busy for candlemarks. Take all the time you need."

Sartori gave the warrior's arm a squeeze on her way out and Xena responded with a grateful smile.

Xena gazed around the room, then at the floor, seemingly unable to start the conversation, now that she was sitting here in front of the Healer. Adia recognized the reticence, having seen it in many patients, especially warriors. There were some who always found it more difficult than others to ask for the help they desired.

"How about grabbing a bowl and helping?" Adia asked her friend, hoping that the act of sorting through herbs might calm Xena's mind.

In truth, Xena was one of the few, actually, she was the only person Adia ever let see the herbs she used for her dreamscape healings. Xena knew nearly as much as the Healer about the medicines used in the procedures, so there was no fear the knowledge would be abused.

The two women sat there in silence, sipping on mugs of tea and stripping the tiny dried leaves off the stiff green branches. Adia was patient; her understanding of her friend's ways went deeper than even Xena understood. She allowed the comfortable silence to continue, not feeling the need to fill it up with mindless chatter. Eventually, Xena's mind sorted through her thoughts and she began to speak.

"Do you remember when you helped Gabrielle and I to heal her dreamscape?" Xena asked the Healer.

Adia nodded. "Yes, yes, I do."

It wasn't something she would easily forget, knowing the two women loved and cared for one another so much, yet having to hold back from telling each of them how the other felt. Her job as a Healer had often put her into that position, a reason why she and her wife were so well trusted. The two Healers knew virtually every secret, of every Amazon in the village, but they were very closed mouth about their patient's private lives. Everyone was entitled to privacy, even in such a small village.

"She's having nightmares…I mean, not just regular bad dreams," Xena was quick to interject. "She's having some kind of hellish dreams. She wakes up screaming, crying, she pleads for forgiveness in her sleep, but when I try to get her to tell me about them, she starts crying, saying she can't. Not that she doesn't remember, or anything like that, but she says she can't."

Xena paused and tossed the stripped branch into a basket on the floor. "You should hear her, Adia, begging in her dreams. She sounds so frightened, terrified of not being forgiven. It's so hard to listen to," Xena finished.

"Xena, you know I'd do anything to help Gabrielle, but she has to want the help. I'm curious as to why she didn't come to me and ask herself. She's never been afraid to talk to me."

"I know it sounds like I'm making more out of this than there may be, but I have the strangest feeling that she doesn't feel like she deserves forgiveness for whatever she thinks she's done. I even thought maybe…" Xena stopped abruptly and tears welled up in her eyes. "I thought maybe she blamed me in her dreams again…you know, in a way she can't control," she hastily added. "Maybe that's why she feels guilty…for blaming me."

"Xena, do you think Gabrielle holds you responsible in some way for your daughter's death?" Adia asked in confusion.

"I don't know!" the warrior jumped up. Xena began to pace the floor and the Healer realized that she was one of the few who would ever see the Warrior Princess this way, the warrior wringing her hands in frustration. Xena's heart, her entire world, was so focused on Gabrielle that the Healer didn't even want to think what would become of Xena, should any harm ever befall the Queen.

"I only know that she's pulling away. Not just from me," Xena lifted concerned blue eyes to the Healer, "but from life. When Gabrielle suffers heartbreak, she writes or buries herself in something to get her focus back. Do you know where she is right now?"

Adia silently shook her head back and forth.

"She's down on the practice field with her staff." Xena responded.

The Healer raised her eyebrows slightly. "Well, I admit, that is rather uncharacteristic of Gabrielle," Adia muttered, almost to herself.

"It's what I do, Adia," Xena said in exasperation. "I do it because at one time I didn't know any better. Because I had no idea, what it meant to be in touch with my feelings or my emotions. They were foreign to me. Most of all, I still do it because there are days when I look into my own heart and what I see there, what I've done in my past, still terrifies me. What I want to know is, why is my wife feeling that way? How could someone so full of compassion and light, be afraid to confront their feelings?"

The warrior's passionate plea struck right at the Healer's heart. She'd heard of the things that lay in Xena's past and she knew that the stories she'd heard were probably only the things people would dare speak. She cringed to think of the atrocities that people were too afraid to mention regarding the woman before her. If anyone understood or recognized the concept of being too afraid to deal with something from the past, it was Xena.

"How about if I talk to Gabrielle? Let me see if I can't encourage her to enter the dreamscape with you?" Adia said.

Relief flowed across Xena's face and the look on the warrior's face told Adia that if the dark-haired woman hadn't thanked the Healer so quickly, and nearly rushed from the room, Xena would have broken down in tears.

The tall Healer stood in the middle of the room; hands on her hips, trying to decide the best way to handle someone like Gabrielle. Unsure of her Queen's frame of mind, Adia was sure of one thing, however. She walked into the bedroom and retrieved a long staff from one corner, then opened the large chest at the end of the bed. It was quite a long time ago when she last used them, but when she unwrapped the soft leather, they looked the same as when they were first forged. She tested their weight, one in each hand, grinning and flipping them easily, then sliding them, one into each boot.

Adia left the hut, headed for the practice field. The Healer knew what it was like to feel rage, pain, and hurt. Because of her nature, and her gift, the accepted outlet had always been compassion, to help and heal. There was a time, though, when she couldn't find her way to feel those emotions. She could barely sustain them for another, let alone herself. She needed a way to sort through the mess her life was in, a way to create order from chaos. She needed a path to follow; perhaps it was just a way to channel all that anger. Even though the rage was what she leveled at herself out of her own guilt.

Adia hummed a tune she remembered from those days. She paused when she neared the practice field. Closing her eyes, hearing the shouts and cries of women sparring, and hearing the sounds of their weapons striking against one another, it all combined to bring the Healer back to another time. Some decent memories, but most…ones she would rather not relive.

**********

"It's been an honor, my Queen." The young woman said, bowing stiffly to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle smiled up at the fifteen-summers-old warrior, who was already taller than she was. The smile was genuine and not forced, that felt good. This was the first time in nearly two candlemarks that the small blonde thought about herself, her pain…her guilt. When she was fighting, there was no thinking, only doing. She acted on instinct and learned skills, her world revolving on only the amount of space between herself and her opponent.

Eponin very gently cuffed her student in the back of the head. "Honor? You let a woman half your size kick the crap out of you!"

Gabrielle smiled again. She remembered her friend's manner of teaching, reminiscing back to the days when Eponin and Ephiny first taught her to use a staff. They treated her like the novice she was and she became a better student because of it.

"Well, yes I did, Weapons Master, but…well, she is the wife of the Warrior Princess, after all." The young warrior grinned.

Eponin looked at Gabrielle, giving her a wink, then turned back to glare at her student. "Oh, I see. So, you were…shall we say, holding back some, out of courtesy, of course."

"Yea, that's it," the youth said, lowering her voice in case her Queen should be listening. "I mean…she is our Queen and I wouldn't want to--"

"Hurt her," Eponin finished for the girl.

"Yea, that's it."

"I see," Eponin drawled, watching as Gabrielle walked up behind the young student. "Well," she turned the girl and enjoyed the expression, a combination of embarrassment and fear, which came across the girl's face. "I'm sure since your Queen knows how you feel now, she wouldn't dream of making you hold back. As a matter of fact, I bet she'll try twice as hard this time…just for you."

The young woman swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in her throat, causing an audible sound heard throughout the camp. Suddenly her classmates, catching on to the ruse, started laughing at their comrade. Seeing that her bragging had undone her, the young warrior bowed deeply to the Queen.

"My apologies, your highness," she said with a disarming smile.

"Go on…get out of here!" Eponin barked, trying to keep the look of amusement off her own face.

Once they stood alone, Eponin turned to Gabrielle, noticing the Queen still breathing rather heavily.

"I guess it'll take more than one day to get into shape," Gabrielle commented.

"You need more than practice to get in shape," the Amazon said under her breath.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you need to eat, sleep, and practice to be a healthy warrior, Gabrielle." Eponin didn't want to come down on her friend so soon after the tragedy in Gabrielle's life, but this was the only way she knew to be.

"Ep, I am not a warrior," Gabrielle replied.

"Could have fooled me."

Gabrielle smiled slightly. "Yea, I guess I did kick a few butts out here today."

"Perhaps that's because you haven't been fighting anyone your own size," a voice commented from behind the Queen.

Gabrielle turned and the exclamation of surprise written on her face was quite evident. The Queen looked at the tall woman who, in Gabrielle's mind up to this point, was a peace-loving Healer. Adia stood as tall as Xena, looking more the part of a warrior than any healer did. The Amazon casually leaned on a staff that appeared to be a bit longer than Gabrielle's stave, plus, she had two weapons peeking out of the top cuff of each of her leather boots.

"Adia, I've been using this thing quite a long time," Gabrielle said to her friend, unsure of how to dissuade the tall woman from the sparring match she seemed intent on having.

"Well, then a warrior of your skill won't have any trouble holding back if it should become necessary," Adia drawled with confidence.

The comment got under her skin just a tiny bit. Something about the Healer's mild arrogance reminded Gabrielle of her wife. "I'm not a warrior," Gabrielle added flatly.

"Gabrielle," Adia smiled in a friendly manner. "You've lived enough of life to know that things aren't always as they appear. The same holds true for people."

"So, you've used the staff before?" Gabrielle asked in surprise.

"Like you, My Queen, I have found that occasionally peace works best when it comes at the end of a very large stick." Adia twirled the stave expertly, to seemingly prove her skill.

"All right…" Gabrielle smiled.

Adia tried to appear unaffected by that smile, but it seemed awfully close to the one Xena got, just before she laid someone out with one blow.

"Step into the ring, you who are so much more than a Healer," Gabrielle finished.

Adia stepped forward and bowed slightly, never taking her eyes off the smaller woman.

"I am honored, you who are so much more than a bard."

**********

Gabrielle was breathing through her mouth, but Adia didn't seem to be in much better shape herself.

Gods, this girl is good! Adia thought to herself, narrowly avoiding having her legs swept from underneath her.

Hades! Where does a Healer learn to fight like this, Gabrielle thought, going on the defensive once more.

In two quick moves, Gabrielle managed to put the Healer on her back, the staff flying from her grip. The Queen moved her stave in to her opponent's throat, to command the victory, but Adia pulled what looked like a cross between a short sword and a dagger from each boot and succeeded in blocking Gabrielle's staff away from her prone body.

The match was on once more as Adia continually fought off Gabrielle's attacks with nothing more than the oddly shaped handles of the weapons, which looked like curved prongs. The Healer blocked, parried, and even managed to hook Gabrielle's leg, flipping the small woman to the ground. Gabrielle rolled and brought herself up quickly, more than surprising the stunned Healer. That was all the advantage Gabrielle needed. A swing right, then left, dealt a stinging blow to both of the Healer's hands, causing Adia's weapons to go flying.

Adia was certain that Gabrielle saw she had disable the Healer, but Gabrielle didn't seem to realize that fact. Either that or she didn't want to recognize it. The end of the Queen's staff ended up coming across and Gabrielle brought the powerful strike up into the Healer's ribcage. It wasn't until Adia was on her knees, gasping for air, that Eponin's shouts got through to the young Queen.

"Oh, Gods!" Gabrielle exclaimed, dropping her staff and rushing over to the fallen woman.

"Okay," Adia croaked. "I'm okay."

Gabrielle helped the Healer to her feet, apologizing repeatedly.

"Gabrielle, it's okay," Adia said, lowering herself to sit upon one of the low benches that were situated around the field. "No need to apologize, you didn't mean to do it." Adia looked up into Gabrielle's silent face. "That is unless you did mean to do it," she added softly.

Gabrielle and the Healer simply stared at one another knowingly.

Suddenly Eponin felt as if she were intruding. "Uh, I guess if you two are through beating on each other…um, I'm gonna take off."

Gabrielle acknowledged the warrior with a nod, never taking her eyes from the seated woman.

"Sit down before you fall down," the Healer ordered, once Eponin left them alone. "And, if you say you're sorry one more time…" she grinned.

"What's going on, Gabrielle?" the Healer decided to pull no punches.

Gabrielle brushed sweaty bangs from her face, shaking her head back and forth, as tears filled her eyes. "I'm not sure I know. All of a sudden…I'm not very sure of who I am."

"Then you happen to be in luck, my friend," Adia responded, placing an arm around the small, forlorn woman's shoulders. "I just happen to be having a special today on helping people figure out that very thing."

Adia grinned down at the young Queen and Gabrielle leaned against the taller woman, relieved to be able to let go of this burden…if only for a little while.

"I hurt, Adia, and I don't know how to make the feeling go away," Gabrielle said.

"I know you do, Gabrielle. I wish I could tell you that I had some type of herb that would make the pain go away, some medicine you could take, but there is only one healing agent for pain like this."

Gabrielle looked up expectantly.

"Time," Adia finished.

Gabrielle lowered her head again. "In most cases I would agree with you. In this situation, time is my enemy."

"I think you're going to have to explain that statement."

"With every candlemark that goes by, the pain is worse. Every moment that passes buries me a little bit more until I feel as if I'll never get the real Gabrielle back again. Even just now, Adia, when I hit you. I'm acting like a warrior, but I don't have enough of a warrior's mentality to make those kinds of decisions. I feel almost as though I have a skill I can't control. The odd thing is, I don't even know why I'm turning to this. I am not a warrior." Gabrielle added that last as if she were trying to convince herself.

The Healer thought about what she'd just heard, trying to convince herself that this was still Gabrielle, but it simply didn't sound like her friend. She decided to take a stab in the dark and hope she hit on the truth.

"Gabrielle, I only know of one thing that would cause pain to grow worse over time instead of becoming easier to bear. That would be guilt."

"I know," the young Queen nodded her head sorrowfully.

Gabrielle held her head in her hands as Adia looked on. The Healer was slightly stunned to hear this revelation from the young woman.

"Gabrielle, talk to me. What could you have possibly done to cause such guilt?" Adia asked in disbelief.

Again, the Queen shook her head. "My baby…"

Gabrielle trailed off, realizing suddenly that she couldn't admit the truth to Adia. There was only one woman she could possibly share this grief with, but that was the very woman that Gabrielle couldn't tell. She couldn't admit the truth to Xena. What she had would surely end then.

"I can't, Adia…I just can't talk about it."

"Not even to Xena? Gabrielle, do remember what happened the last time you said that to me? It turned out that Xena acted as your champion in your dreamscape, as well as in reality."

"I can't say anything to anyone, especially not Xena," Gabrielle responded, her eyes closing and a heavy sigh escaping past her lips. "I'm so tired, Adia."

"Gabrielle, Xena told me about your nightmares. She loves you, she would understand anything she saw in your dreamscape."

"Not this," she answered, her eyes filling with tears.

"Then let me help you," Adia offered.

"It won't work," Gabrielle answered.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You told me the first time that if anything in the dreamscape appealed to us, we wouldn't be able to change its outcome."

"Do you feel as though you deserve this guilt?" Adia asked.

"Yes," Gabrielle's tears fell in earnest with her answer.

Adia reached over and held the young woman in her arms, feeling the tension in the body she was holding. She could tell that Gabrielle hadn't completely allowed her guard to go down.

"We can work around that, my friend. The first thing we need to do is to get in there and stop the nightmare. Will you let me at least try?"

Gabrielle straightened herself up and wondered if she should at least try to end the nightmares. She couldn't tell the Healer that the pain could never be taken away, but perhaps if just the nightmares would end.

"I keep doing something in my dream…I can't tell you why, but I can't stop it. The harder I try, the worse it is. It's like someone else is directing my body, making it do something terrible."

"Should we get Xena and try this right away?"

"No! Not Xena," Gabrielle exclaimed. "It can't be Xena…she can't see…I don't want her to know."

"But, Gabrielle--"

"No, please, Adia, can't you do it? Please?"

"All right, it's okay," Adia tried to calm the young woman. As soon as the Healer mentioned Xena, Gabrielle became nearly hysterical. "I'll enter your dreamscape, but I won't do it behind your wife's back. Xena is the Queen's champion, on any plane of reality. You'll have to explain to her why you want me to take her place."

Gabrielle's face twisted into such a tortured grimace that Adia almost gave in. Finally, Gabrielle's desire to rid herself of the horrible nightmares was greater than the fear of explaining to her wife. She nodded to the woman seated next to her.

"Give me a few candlemarks to clean up and explain things to Xe. Can you come by our house?"

"Of course. I'll ask Sartori to come along as a little moral support for Xena, okay?"

The silent nod of Gabrielle's head again. Adia wondered what in the known world could be plaguing Gabrielle's dreams, to turn a normally open and loving person into such an uncommunicative woman.

Gabrielle rose to go. "What are those little things you fought with?" she asked.

Adia grinned. "They're called sais. I learned to use the sai when I traveled around Chin for a few seasons. It seemed deadlier than a staff, but it didn't have to be if I didn't want it to."

The Healer pulled them from her boots and handed over the weapons, which looked a bit larger in her smaller friend's hands. Gabrielle flipped them; end to handle, easily and the sudden smile on the Queen's face surprised Adia. She looked on as Gabrielle tested their weight in her hands, looking quite as ease with the weapons.

"Would you like to learn how to use them?"

Adia didn't know for certain why she even asked. She knew that Gabrielle was skilled with a blade, having seen her spar with Xena once or twice, but it was rare. She knew that Gabrielle never really came to grips with the idea of killing anyone, even an enemy. It was something in the young woman's eyes, in the way she appeared completely comfortable with the sais that caused Adia to ask. She thought that Gabrielle looked rather natural with a weapon that could be used for defense, but could also be made to kill.

"Yes, please…they feel very…I'm not sure, but they give me a feeling of security, in a way," Gabrielle answered.

Gabrielle finally remembered the seated woman and flipped the sais back, exactly as Adia had, handing them to the Healer.

"No, you keep them, my friend," Adia smiled. "I think they know who to belong to better than we."

"Oh no, I--"

"Please, Gabrielle. I have no need for them anymore."

Gabrielle accepted the gift and Adia demonstrated some of the fundamental moves. The Queen caught on quicker than the Healer had, all those years ago. She remembered what her instructor told her, back in Chin, that anyone who wielded a staff, as a weapon, already possessed the skills to become expert with a sai.

Adia watched the young woman walk away, Gabrielle flipping the sais in her hands as she strolled along. The Healer was curious as to what could be so terrible in Gabrielle's dreamscape that she couldn't make her own wife privy to it. She knew Xena would do anything to see Gabrielle well, but she certainly didn't envy the small blonde the task of explaining to the Warrior Princess that she would not be the Queen's champion this time.

**********

Gabrielle walked into their home with a heavy heart. She was torn between ridding herself of her nightmares, and allowing anyone else to see the terrifying images that existed within her mind's eye. She didn't understand why Morpheus was torturing her so; she thought the God had befriended them after Xena fought against Hera to save all the Olympian Gods. Morpheus even made it possible for Xena and Gabrielle to meet in the dreamscape, when the Queen was lying ill and dying and Xena searched for the Elixir of Life in the caverns below Delos. The young woman grew sadder as she realized that even Morpheus knew of her guilt. Her father wouldn't come to her, now Morpheus was trying to punish her through her dreams.

Gabrielle enjoyed the way the small sais felt in her hands. It was a strange sensation, rather like when she fought with her staff. The wood became an extension of her, just as these small weapons seemed a part of her. Using a sword wasn't completely foreign to her. Xena taught her the basics, and it must have been assimilation, from watching her warrior fight and practice, which added what little polish she had to her swordplay. Gabrielle never felt comfortable with the heavy blade in her hand, however. Whereas Xena literally felt it was another part of her body, the young Queen thought it felt unnatural to her.

With a heavy sigh, Gabrielle opened the door and immediately the lovely scent of lilac assailed her. She sat the weapons on the table as Xena appeared in the doorway of the bathing chamber, a knowing look on her face.

"I saw you coming up the hill and thought I'd get a bath ready for you. If your muscles ache anything like mine do after a layoff, you probably need it about now."

"Thank you, Xe…you're too good to me…I don't deserve you," Gabrielle added sadly.

The warrior quickly moved across the room and enfolded the small woman within her embrace. Xena made it a gentle hug, not even hinting at the desire she felt whenever she touched Gabrielle. She wanted the woman in her arms to know she was safe here and that Xena would wait as long as need be, for her wife to find her way back to herself again.

"You're right…you don't deserve me," Xena teased. "No one as wonderful as you, my heart, deserves to be trapped with this old warrior for the rest of their lives. But, you made an honest woman of me, so I guess you're stuck with me."

Gabrielle wrapped her arms around the warrior's waist and squeezed tightly.

"Hey, did I put my foot in it again?" Xena asked, pulling back slightly. She tenderly lifted Gabrielle's face and saw the fatigue, along with the hurt, written on the young woman's face. "Brie, what is it? I was only joking, you know that, right?"

"It's not that, Xe," Gabrielle answered, closing the distance between them once more.

The smaller woman laid her head against the soft leather covering the warrior's chest, listening to the steady heartbeat. How could she tell her wife how true the statement was? She doesn't even realize that I don't deserve her. She doesn't see that all I ever do is bring her hurt and pain.

"I talked with Adia," Gabrielle said.

"Oh…did she tell you I talked to her?" Xena asked. The warrior didn't think now would be the best time to start lying to Gabrielle about it.

The Queen nodded her head.

"Mad at me?" The warrior questioned. Xena didn't think her wife was angry. This definitely wasn't Gabrielle's 'you are toast, warrior' face.

"No, honey, but we have to talk."

"Okay…" Xena drawled hesitantly. She had never known those words to preface anything but bad news.

"It's not as bad as you think, warrior." Gabrielle offered up a grim smile. "Do you mind if I take that bath first?"

"No, come on…" Xena began to lead the way, but stopped abruptly. "I mean, well you probably don't want me in there. I'll just--"

Gabrielle reached out and grabbed Xena's hand, pulling her into the bathing room. "Come on, warrior. You're on back washing detail."

**********

Xena sat on a small stool beside the large tub. She gently ran the soapy sponge along Gabrielle's shoulders and back, watching as her wife stretched some of her tired muscles.

"Brie! You've got a pretty nasty bruise under your shoulder blade," Xena exclaimed.

"I think I got that when I hit the ground. It's okay, I think it must look worse than it feels," Gabrielle answered with a deliberate air of nonchalance.

The Queen caught her wife out of the corner of her eye, seeing Xena wince as the warrior examined the bruise. The dark-haired woman fought harder every season, trying to stay unaffected, as the woman she loved became increasingly more like a warrior. Gabrielle saw Xena's expression and she wanted to reassure her, show her as much love as Xena had shown her in the difficult times. Gabrielle closed her eyes for a moment. She wanted to reach out to Xena; to explain what she was going through, but she simply couldn't. Gabrielle could barely understand the feelings of aggression and anger, hurt and betrayal that she was experiencing. If she didn't understand why she seemed drawn to a warrior's path; why the pain only lessened when she fought, then how in the world could she explain any of it to her wife?

"Did someone give you a new toy?" Xena referred to the weapons that Gabrielle laid on the table when she came in from the practice field.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. Adia showed me how to use them. I was just…taken with them I guess. Does that bother you, Xe?"

"Yes and no, I guess. I'm proud of you Gabrielle, proud that you can take care of yourself, be a strong leader for your people. I worry less because I know that you're not only smart, but you're skilled with a weapon too. I have to admit, though, I truly wish we lived in a world where the woman I loved didn't feel the need to carry a weapon. I've killed so many people, Gabrielle, even in the name of good, and I know how that affects a person. Sometimes I even carry guilt because I feel as if I'm to blame for setting you on this path in the first place."

"Xena, you never forced me to pick up a weapon, that was my own choice."

"Maybe…maybe not," Xena replied. "Was it really your own choice, Brie? I let you travel with me, knowing what a headstrong, stubborn girl you were. I should have put my foot down, shipped you off to the Academy in Athens that day you bought the breast dagger."

"Then why didn't you?" Gabrielle asked with a tinge of irritation in her voice.

"For completely selfish reasons. I think I was in love with you by then."

Gabrielle's ire disappeared like ice melting away. She turned her body to look into the beautiful blue eyes that captured her heart so many seasons ago.

"Xe, when you say things like that…you make it impossible for me to argue with you. You know that, don't you?" Gabrielle said with a small smile.

Xena responded with a sad smile of her own. "Don't you see what I mean, Brie? I should have known that you wouldn't be content standing behind me, allowing me to protect you all the time. I should have known that being around a warrior would set you on the same path, as well. It was all because I was too selfish. I didn't want to let you go, and so I've watched, saying nothing all these seasons while you strayed further and further from your own path."

"And what path would that be? Bard, Queen, Amazon, your wife? Xe, which path is mine…which one am I supposed to follow?" Gabrielle responded.

"It seems as if you're following a warrior's path lately," Xena said quietly, her eyes unable to meet Gabrielle's.

"I'm not a warrior," Gabrielle repeated for the third time that day. "And if I was, what would be so bad about being like you?" Gabrielle added, turning her face away from her wife's intense gaze.

Xena's hand shot out and she quickly turned Gabrielle's face toward her own. "Gabrielle, I am not someone to emulate! You of all people should know that I am the way I am due mostly to the horrible, awful things that I've seen or done. Sweetheart, don't you know yet that any good qualities I possess are because of you, and what you've given me?" Xena finished with tears in her eyes.

Tears rose up in Gabrielle's own eyes at the warrior's powerful statement. "I'm sorry, Xe…I just don't see those qualities in me anymore."

Xena smiled and cupped the small blonde's face in one hand, brushing away an errant tear with her thumb. "Do you remember the first time we made love?" Xena asked.

Gabrielle's eyes sparkled for a moment. "It's hard to forget that evening. It was perfect," she answered.

You told me something then, when I explained to you that I had no idea what you could possibly see in an old warrior like me that would be worth loving. You said that you would just have to teach me to look at myself through your eyes." Xena reached over and placed a gentle kiss on her wife's forehead.

"That's what I need to teach you, to see yourself through my eyes. No matter what happens, Brie, now or in the future, you will always look like that young girl who ran away from Potidaea to follow me."

Neither of them exchanged another word as Gabrielle rose from the tub, the warrior wrapping a large towel around the small blonde. Gabrielle toweled the dampness from her long hair and sat beside the fire in the bathing area, letting the heat from the flames dry the golden locks. Finally, Gabrielle dressed and she and Xena moved to sit at the table in the main room. They shared a mug of tea, neither of them knowing what more to say. Gabrielle knew there could be no other way but to simply say it, so she held her breath and stepped right into it.

"I told you I spoke with Adia…"

Xena nodded her head. Every muscle in her body felt tense, as if she were prepared to do battle. "Yea…how'd it go?" she asked in a soft voice.

Gabrielle reached over and placed a hand on top of the warrior's hand. "We're going to try entering my dreamscape…to see if it will help me to get rid of the nightmares," Gabrielle responded, keeping her eyes trained on the table.

Xena breathed a thankful sigh of relief. She noticed quickly, however, that Gabrielle wouldn't raise her head up to meet the warrior's eyes. That's when Xena first saw it. It was in the way Gabrielle held her body, and how she brushed her thumb across Xena's own hand. It looked a lot like her wife was trying very hard to break something to the warrior.

"When you say we, you mean you and I, right?"

Finally, Gabrielle looked up. "No, Xe. I mean Adia and I."

Xena's jaw tightened. It was a reflexive response and few people would have noticed, but those others didn't know this woman's every move…every breath as Gabrielle did. She recognized the barely discernable move as Xena's way of coping with something new and unpleasant. She was grinding her teeth together, trying not to make her displeasure apparent.

"I see," the warrior eventually replied in a controlled voice. "So, the Queen is appointing a new Champion?"

Gabrielle let out a heavy sigh; she knew this wasn't going to be easy. "Xena--"

"No, I just want to be clear on this."

They stared at one another for a brief moment. Xena didn't want to act this way. In fact, she didn't understand why she was reacting this way. She wanted Gabrielle healed…that was the purpose, right? Did it really matter who entered the dreamscape? It was just the niggling fear that her wife was choosing another over her. For the first time in their relationship, Xena felt Gabrielle was lying to her. That's where her anger came from. It wasn't simply anger…it was fear.

"Gabrielle…why are you lying to me?" Xena decided to come straight out with it.

"Hades! Xena, why do you have to make such a big deal out of this?" Gabrielle jumped up from the table and began pacing the floor.

"Why aren't you being honest with me?"

"Because you wouldn't understand!" Gabrielle shot back.

"Then explain it to me," Xena stood in front of the agitated woman. "Brie, help me to understand."

"That's impossible! It would change things…change the way you feel!"

"Brie, didn't I just explain that could never happen?"

"It's what you say now, but--"

Xena's anger sparked with those words. "So, you're either telling me I'm a liar, or that you simply don't believe me."

Gabrielle took a deep breath. "I believe that you want to believe it, Xe," Gabrielle admitted in exasperation. "When you say you'll love me, no matter what, I know you think you mean it, but there are things…things that could change that…that will change it."

"And you won't tell me what those things might be," Xena straightened herself up, a grim expression on her face.

"No," Gabrielle said softly, turning to face away from the warrior.

Gabrielle didn't have to turn around to know that when she heard the closing of the door, she was standing alone in the large room.