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None So Blind
Part 4
By LJ Maas "There are none so blind, as those who would not see..."
January 1985
Torrey quietly folded the letter closed and slipped it back into its envelope. She gazed pensively from the bay window out onto the white landscape. It was a good thing she made Taylor drive her Cherokee to work today. One thing you could count on in Maine was a white Christmas. They had that and then some this year.
The snow continued to fall heavily as Torrey pondered the letter she received. She read it through a dozen times now, but couldn't make her heart be glad about it. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, her head told her. Her heart simply ached at the choice she would have to make. She realized at that moment that it didn't matter how wonderful the offer was, she simply couldn't leave Taylor. The truth was that she wouldn't leave. She wouldn't give up the relationship they had. They weren't lovers, but they did love one another and as for the rest, Torrey tried to pretend that it didn't matter. Taylor seemed content with things the way they were, although there were times when Torrey caught the artist in an unguarded moment and the sadness that her face expressed nearly broke Torrey's heart.
The University of Chicago would have to do without her. Once more she read through the letter. Professor John Armistead, the Head of the English Literature Department was requesting that she take the open position as his assistant. A good job, a nice paycheck, and the opportunity to work on her Master's did have its appeal, but only if Taylor was there to share it all with her. She remembered how much fun it was showing Taylor the sights of Chicago and taking in some of the haunts that Torrey grew up around.
It started out as simply a way to earn a little money and take a trip to Chicago. The proctor for Torrey's weekly writers group had a project that was right up the young blonde's alley. A friend of his was doing research for a new textbook he was writing in English Literature and he was looking for someone who could devote a few weekends through the fall to assist him. Torrey jumped at the opportunity and she and Taylor went together the first time. After that, Taylor said it made more sense for her to stay home with Jessica so Torrey could concentrate on doing a good job. It must have worked, as the letter in her hands was the proof.
The cordless phone rang and she jumped at the sound. Quickly flipping the switch so Jessica wouldn't wake up, she answered it on the first ring.
"Hey, Little Bit, Happy New Year. It's not fit for man nor beast out here, I'm calling it a day...need me to bring anything home?" Taylor's voice came through the static filled line.
"Just yourself." Torrey smiled, recognizing the sound of Taylor's car phone. "How far away are you?"
"As a matter of fact," Taylor drawled.
The sound of the garage door opening prompted Torrey to look out the window and she watched as the familiar sight of the Jeep Cherokee pulled into the driveway and on into the garage.
"You're a sneak." Torrey laughed and hung up the phone as Taylor began to laugh out loud.
Taylor pulled off her gloves and scarf, hanging her long leather jacket in the hall closet before entering the living room.
"I don't think my California blood will ever get used to this kind of weather." The artist said, walking over to her friend and giving her a quick kiss on the top of her head.
"Wimp." Torrey responded with a grin.
"Oh, yea...see how wimpy this feels." Taylor said as she leaned in, placing her ice-cold hands on the young woman's neck.
"Oh, Taylor!" Torrey squealed, jumping up from her seat and backing away from her attacker.
"What the matter? I thought you just said I was being a wimp?" Taylor advanced, wiggling her fingers at her friend.
"Very funny. Back...back." Torrey yelped as Taylor lunged at her again.
"Tay...Tay!"
"See what you did!" Both women laughed in unison as Jessica's impatient voice came from the downstairs bedroom.
"Tay, Tay, Tay!" Jessica said as she bounced up and down in her crib.
Once the dark-haired woman got close enough the young girl practically threw herself over the crib's rail, Taylor catching the giggling girl in her arms.
"Hello, princess. Have you been a good girl today?"
Torrey stood back and watched as her daughter and Taylor carried on a conversation together. The artist didn't have a clue as to what the youngster was saying, but she interjected all her comments in the right spots.
"Look, Jess, it's snowing." Taylor pointed out the window.
"Ooooh," Jessica responded appropriately.
Torrey pulled some fresh clothes from the large dresser against the wall as Taylor began to remove Jessica's
t-shirt and change her diaper.
"I can do that, Stretch." Torrey said.
"Nah, I don't mind." Taylor replied with a wink in her friend's direction.
The truth was that Taylor really didn't mind. The young blonde smiled as she watched the artist interact with the child. Taylor never did mind taking care of Jessica. It was the highlight of her day, walking in the front door and having the small bundle of energy jump into her arms. Tucking the girl into bed at night was another of the dark-haired woman's favorite times. Jessica would snuggle into Taylor's lap as she sat in the wooden rocking chair, reading a story to the sleepy child.
Taylor's voice interrupted Torrey's musings.
"I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel our reservation tonight, Tor. Besides, I don't think Mrs. Green is going to be able to get out in this weather to stay with Jess." Taylor said apologetically.
"It's okay, Stretch. I'm way ahead of you. I already called Mrs. Green and told her not to even think about trying to get out here. I made a pan of my famous lasagna and put it in the oven just before you got here, and if you're very nice to me tonight I'll share your favorite dessert with you." Torrey smiled.
Taylor looked up in surprise. She had assumed Torrey would be more upset about having to cancel their New Year's Eve plans.
"You made Tiramisu?" The artist looked up in amazement.
"I guess you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?" Torrey replied with a sly grin.
"Once again you have outdone yourself, Tor. I just keep wondering what I'm going to say to my mom the next time she asks me who the best cook I know is. You're spoiling me, you know." Taylor said with a wink as she took their dessert dishes into the kitchen.
Torrey poured both of them another cup of coffee and enjoyed the view in the kitchen, watching the tall woman place the final pieces of china into the dishwasher. The artist reached into a cabinet and brought out two fluted champagne glasses, reaching into the refrigerator for the bottle of sparkling cider she brought home.
Torrey watched as her friend carefully unwrapped the foil at the top of the bottle, beginning to untwist the wire that wrapped around the top. The beginning of another new year and yet she was still living in the arms of unrequited love for the woman that now busied herself in the kitchen. It would be nearly five years since she and Taylor first met, not much less since the young blonde had fallen in love with her best friend. She wondered some times why Taylor couldn't see what she felt. She hadn't been on a date once in all that time, with the exception of when she dated Stephen. Torrey had to think twice about that one. When was the last time Taylor went out with anyone?
Torrey's face turned into a frown that she couldn't shake off. Would Taylor stay single just because she thought that Torrey couldn't be left alone? The knowledge hit Torrey hard and caused a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Am I keeping her from finding someone? Am I just being selfish?
Taylor walked into the dining room with the open bottle and glasses.
"Put on your coat, I have an idea." The artist grinned.
The two women bundled up and walked out onto the covered patio. The snow was still falling and there was nothing but silence all around them.
"It's beautiful isn't it, Stretch? I feel like I need to whisper." Torrey said softly.
Taylor watched the young woman as Torrey's attention was drawn to the flakes of snow falling from the sky. Taylor noticed that the blonde's cheeks and nose were quickly turning red, her green eyes sparkled. Once again, Taylor felt her body go weak at the sight.
"Here," Taylor said, handing Torrey a glass of the bubbling liquid. "To another year..." Taylor trailed off as she touched her glass to the one in Torrey's hand.
"How will we know when?" Torrey asked, realizing she didn't have her watch on.
"We'll know, a few more minutes." Taylor said cryptically.
"Stretch...why were you going to go out with me tonight?"
"Huh?" Taylor asked in confusion.
"I mean, there must have been some girl you know, maybe someone from your office that you could be out with tonight." Torrey continued.
"Yes, but nobody that can make Tiramisu." Taylor joked.
Torrey smiled, but she needed to know why. Was it her company or did Taylor feel she had an obligation to her?
"I thought that maybe you might want to, you know, go out on a date once in a while." Torrey finally said.
Taylor gazed down into quiet green eyes and answered as honestly as she could.
"I don't need a date...I have you." Taylor said softly gently taping the tip of Torrey's nose.
The artist thought she'd said the wrong thing when a look like pain crossed the young woman's face. Before Taylor could say anything else, a bottle rocket went off into the air, and then another and soon the whole neighborhood became filled with firecrackers and rockets, their sounds muffled by the falling snow.
"See," Taylor said with a grin. "I told you we'd know."
Torrey laughed and looked up at the impromptu display, the words on her tongue forgotten for the moment. Taylor watched and knew there was little else in this world that could rival what she had in her life right now.
"Happy New Year, Little Bit," The artist whispered.
Torrey turned to look at her friend, her eyes taking in the incredible blue hue of Taylor's eyes.
"Happy New Year, Stretch." Torrey whispered back.
Taylor paused to lightly brush the backs of her fingers along the smaller woman's cheek. Reaching down, she gently covered Torrey's lips with her own. She kissed Torrey that way before and, in the past, it had simply been a display of emotion, something that occurred when Taylor was too overcome to speak. This time, with each woman wishing in her heart for something more, the kiss lasted perhaps a single heartbeat longer than good sense dictated.
Taylor found herself pulling away seconds before she would have moaned in pleasure at the contact. Torrey felt like her heart was going to pound out of her chest. They embraced, neither woman wanting to look into the other's eyes, not now.
If the balance of all things could have been pulled out of alignment from the wanting of something so badly, yet not acting upon the thought, then the world was surely driven askew on this night.
Taylor lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, her hands clasped behind her head, her foot nervously rocking back and forth. She couldn't believe what almost happened tonight. That one kiss nearly had a profession of love tumbling from her mouth. She couldn't put her finger on it, but it seemed as if Torrey had responded to her touch. Taylor realized it was probably wishful thinking on her part. She had to know. More importantly, should she let Torrey know how she felt about her?
Taylor smiled a slight lopsided grin as she reached her fingers up to her own lips. She had casually brushed her lips against Torrey's before, but it had never been like this. Actually, Taylor knew in her heart that kissing Torrey would feel that way. Her lips still tingled at the sensation. She had to say something, at least feel Torrey out. She would never jeopardize their friendship, but she would at least see where she stood. If there were one chance, a single billion to one chance that Torrey could love her like that, wouldn't it be worth the risk?
The snow finally stopped and Torrey sat up in her bed, one ear always on the baby monitor to Jessica's room. The moon peaked from behind the clouds and bathed the room in a surreal blue glow. The light caught the tears that rolled silently down Torrey's face.
Tonight she felt her world collide in heartbreak and ecstasy. One moment her heart ached to know that she had been so selfish to keep a hold on this woman that she loved, denying Taylor the opportunity to find someone that the artist could truly love. The next moment, Taylor was kissing her and the young woman felt that the sweetness and taste of the dark-haired woman's mouth still lingered within her own.
Torrey pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. She buried her head to muffle the sobs that shook her small frame. Taylor would always stay with Torrey, denying her own pleasure, her own happiness, just to take care of Torrey. That thought became too much for the young woman to deal with. How could she have been so selfish, to want to refuse Taylor her chance at love and a future of happiness?
Torrey cried now for the decision she would have to make and the one she would have to live with for the rest of her life. She cried for her daughter who would grow up without the love of both the women she had become accustomed to, but most of all Torrey let her tears loose for the love that she realized life would never hold for her. It lay two doors down, but she would have to release it from her grasp. It would be an unbearable torment, but she would always say she did it for love.
Torrey was sitting at the kitchen table sipping on a cup of tea when Taylor made her way to the coffeepot. As usual the young blonde fixed Taylor's coffee as well as her own tea. The same brief thought passed through her consciousness that did every morning; she wondered what she would do without the young woman. Turning to the table she mumbled a greeting and was stopped short by the look on Torrey's face. You couldn't live with a woman as long as Taylor had with Torrey without knowing when she spent the night crying.
"Honey, what's wrong?" Taylor asked with concern.
"I--" Torrey started, but stopped abruptly and held out a piece of paper for Taylor.
Taylor looked at the seated woman and then quickly read the letter from the University of Chicago. She hadn't expected this. Of course, Chicago winters couldn't be any worse than Maine winters, right? As long as they were together they could be a family anywhere.
"This is good, right? I mean, this guy you worked with was the best according to you, Tor. Well, hell, I can do what I do anywhere, if we--"
That's when Taylor looked in Torrey's eyes. The young woman pulled away from her gaze and Taylor finally figured it out. There was to be no we in this move.
Her knees felt weak and she sat heavily in a chair at the table, across from Torrey.
"Oh." Was all Taylor's brain could formulate.
The older woman looked at the paper in her hand again. Her fingers slid through her tousled hair in an attempt to give herself time to understand what was happening. The only thing she could feel was the blood pounding furiously in her head. Then she remembered the questions Torrey was asking her last night. Would Torrey want to leave if she thought she was in the way?
"Torrey, if this is about what you were asking me last night, about me not dating--" Taylor started, but was cut off abruptly.
"I met someone." Torrey said flatly.
Taylor felt like she was just punched in the stomach. She took slow, deep breaths to fight the feelings of nausea.
"What?" Taylor asked in disbelief.
"In Chicago, at the University." Torrey explained, unable to meet Taylor's eyes.
Torrey didn't mean to lie, but it quickly became apparent that Taylor knew her all too well. The artist figured it out and Torrey knew that she wouldn't be able to stand up against Taylor's persuasive arguments. Torrey did the only thing she knew how to do. She made Taylor feel as if she would be standing in the way of her happiness. Torrey realized that Taylor wouldn't care about finding someone for herself, but she would care about denying Torrey. So the young woman made up an imaginary lover as her trump card.
Taylor felt like she was dying. Her mother's words came back to her and they were true. She never revealed the truth of her heart to Torrey and if she ever had a chance before now, it was gone. Torrey's heart finally found someone else.
She looked over at the young woman across from her. Torrey's head was bowed and tears began to escape from her already swollen eyes. As always, those tears touched Taylor's heart like nothing ever had, or ever would again. Taylor silently cursed herself. Torrey was upset, wondering how Taylor would take the news. Probably thinking about how Taylor would get along without her. God, did this woman ever think about herself?
Taylor decided right then and there that she would not cry; not one single tear, not in front of Torrey anyhow. She would be strong and make this as easy as possible on the young woman. She would support her and make Torrey think this was the greatest thing in the world. The young blonde was taking a chance on love and it was more than Taylor could say that she'd done. She would be strong for Torrey, and then she would fall apart when it was all over.
"Torrey, honey," Taylor said as she moved next to the woman and pulled her up into her arms.
"Don't be sad, you should be happy. This job is what you've worked so hard for all this time, you deserve it. You also deserve all the love and happiness in the world. This guy, does he make you happy?"
Torrey cried even harder, but murmured a yes.
"Then that makes me happy." Taylor lied, lifting the young woman's chin until their eyes met.
Taylor lightly brushed her lips against Torrey's forehead, guiding the young woman along with her into the living room. Torrey never said a word as Taylor sat down, practically lying on the couch, then pulled Torrey down beside her. The small woman rested her head on the broad shoulder of her friend, strong arms holding her tightly. Taylor took the opportunity to calm the young woman by running her fingers through her blonde hair, letting her innocent caress fall on skin that would soon be gone from her life.
Torrey closed her eyes tight, but still the tears slipped through. She tried to concentrate on the way her body felt against Taylor, the way the artist's fingertips felt as they slid across her skin. She created a memory that she could lock up within her heart and carry with her. She wasn't sure what hurt more. The fact that she would be leaving and that someday Taylor would be caressing another woman this way, or that the woman she loved with all of her being was simply going to let her go.
"When do you plan on going?" Taylor's hoarse whisper broke the silence.
"They want me to start the first week of February." Torrey answered solemnly.
Taylor took deep breaths to calm herself when all she wanted to do was let go, scream and cry in Torrey's arms, plead with the woman, and promise her a lifetime of love if only she would stay. Five years of their life together and it would be over in a matter of weeks. It was unraveling so fast.
"It will all be wonderful for you, Little Bit, just wait and see. I can tell that someday all your dreams are going to come true." Taylor whispered.
Torrey began to cry again. The young woman knew one dream that would never come true.
The University took care of everything on their end. They found a nice apartment in a good neighborhood that fit an Assistant Professor's salary, they arranged for movers, and even encouraged Torrey to come and visit the city again at their expense, just to be sure she would like it there. Torrey declined the latter. She didn't want to spend one minute apart from Taylor and she knew if they went to Chicago together, Taylor would insist on meeting her imaginary lover.
Taylor took an emergency sabbatical from Diamond & Allen for the next month. For her part, she wasn't about to miss one last moment of time with Torrey or Jessica. That was the hardest part. The youngster was too young to explain Taylor's eventual disappearance to, so Taylor just tried to spend as much time as possible with the child. The artist's tears did fall when she was away from Torrey, especially as she played on the floor with Jessica. She thought about all the things that she would miss in the young girl's life, the girl that felt as much of a daughter to her as if she had given birth herself.
Hearing the low murmur of a voice, Torrey paused at the doorway to Jessica's room. She often did this simply to enjoy the sound of Taylor's voice as she read a bedtime story to her daughter and Jessica's small voice filled with questions.
"Tay, was dis?" Jessica's tiny voice asked as she pointed to a picture in the book.
Torrey peeked in to see Taylor's back to her; Jessica snuggled into the artist's lap as they sat in the large wooden rocking chair.
Taylor would read, then Jessica would interrupt with a question. Taylor would answer the child, tickle her until she giggled, then they would start the whole process over again. Torrey finally heard Taylor pause, and the deep sigh that accompanied the silence was heartbreaking. Finally Torrey heard Taylor's voice.
"You need to take care of your mom for me now, Jess. She's strong and she can be stubborn as hell sometimes, but she always means well. She's going to be too far away for me to watch over her anymore, you're gonna have to help me, squirt." Taylor said as tears rolled down her cheeks.
" 'Kay," Jessica replied. Taylor chuckled knowing the youngster had no idea what she was talking about, but she responded with the appropriate word in the correct place anyway.
"I love you, Jess. Please, don't forget about me, allright...okay?" Taylor asked.
" 'Kay." Jessica responded once again. "Wuv you," the child stood in Taylor's lap and threw her arms around the woman's neck.
"I love you too, baby. I'll miss you so much, Jess. You be good for mommy, okay?"
Jessica nodded and once again settled herself into the artist's lap. Torrey had been leaning heavily against the wall, just outside of the room. She walked back to her own bedroom, unable to halt the tears that were becoming a part of her daily routine.
Inevitably the day came, and it was all too soon for the two women. The moving van had already been there for a few hours in the morning. Torrey was adamant about not taking furniture, but Taylor won the argument. She explained that Torrey would just be starting out and she shouldn't make her life harder than she had to. There were some items that she absolutely should have. The car was Torrey's to keep or sell, Taylor told her, and as Torrey readied herself, the artist pressed a passbook into Torrey's small hand. Taylor explained to her there wasn't any way that she would take it back and for Torrey to be sensible.
Taylor carried Jessica's bundled form out to the car. Torrey purposefully following behind a little slower to give Taylor the time she needed with the child. The artist hugged the girl tightly, whispering into her ear. The tall woman started the girl giggling and then placed the child in her car seat in the back of the Cherokee.
The weather was warmer than it had been for quite some time and since the last two weeks had also been clear, driving shouldn't be too bad, Taylor explained. The two women walked around the car, Torrey with her arm around Taylor's waist, the taller woman had her arm draped over Torrey's shoulder. Torrey agreed to call from the motel every evening and would call as soon as they got into Chicago.
Tears glistened in Torrey's eyes as she finally stopped and looked up into Taylor's azure gaze. The artist's brow was furrowed as she struggled to keep a grip on her own precarious emotions.
"I'm so scared." Torrey admitted, tears beginning to fall.
Torrey pulled the young woman into a fierce embrace. For the last time, the artist wrapped strong, protective arms around the smaller form and tried to infuse a strength that she didn't really feel, into the woman in her arms.
"It's a scary thing." Taylor agreed. "I'm scared too." She whispered in a broken voice.
Pulling back from the small figure, Taylor wanted to kiss those lips one last time. She leaned down and brushed her lips across Torrey's so delicately, they barely registered the contact. Then, without caring who might have been watching, they kissed once more. This time the kiss was stronger and Taylor cupped Torrey's jaw in her hand and held it there.
"I love you, Little Bit." Taylor said softly.
"Oh, Stretch, I love you." Torrey responded, encircling the taller woman's neck with her arms and squeezing tightly.
Taylor didn't really remember much after that. She did feel that she would always remember the sight of Torrey's car as the young woman and her child drove out of her life.
Some of the neighbors that knew the young women already understood what was happening. Those that didn't really didn't have to look far for explanations. Whether straight or gay, they knew what a breakup looked like. Most everyone liked the young couple that seemed to compliment each other so well and who cared for their child with a love and selflessness that was unequaled. Some watched with sad eyes as the tall artist simply stood on the curb for the longest time. When she did move away from the street at last, she acted as if going into the empty house would be too much for her. She sat on the front step, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her own legs. It was dark before she found the courage to enter the house again. That's when she told herself that it was okay to fall apart now.
Torrey hung the picture and stepped back to make sure it was straight. She moved forward and made one more adjustment before stepping back again to enjoy the drawing. Certainly not her daughter's first piece of art, but the first that she ever received as a gift and the first one with such meaning. Her daughter drew the picture from a photograph that Torrey and Jessica both carried in their wallets. She was never sure what it was about the picture that made both mother and daughter gravitate toward it. Taylor took the photo just after Jess had learned to walk. She had just run up to her mother and touched the tip of her index finger to her Torrey's nose, both mother and daughter giggling as Taylor snapped the picture. It said more than words, to know Jessica drew this image, which spoke of happier times in their life, for her Mother's Day present.
She thought back to a Mother's Day a long while back. The young writer had been feeling lonely and unloved, and then she remembered Taylor's birthday, which spiraled her into an even deeper depression.
September 1991
Torrey leaned against the wall and smiled at one more nameless person her agent introduced her to.
"You're starting to look bored" Rick said in his sing song falsetto. "Remember all these people are here for you."
"Well, find the prettiest one and I'll leave with her." Torrey shot back.
"Oh, you are in rare form aren't you? What's gotten into you?" Rick asked, waving to someone from across the room.
"My daughter hates me, her nanny just quit, and I haven't had sex in two years...do I need any other reasons?" Torrey quipped. She wasn't being mean. She and Rick were old friends and they bantered back and forth like this all the time. Once she found out her friend was gay, she hauled him with her to every party so she wouldn't be propositioned and groped by every man in the room. Soon the rumors were that the author, Torrey Gray and her agent were a long-standing item.
Rick walked off to the bar and returned with a glass of Glenlivet and handed it to his friend. Torrey thanked him and took a sip from the glass. When she raised her eyes again she was staring into a pair of cool blue eyes that were hauntingly familiar. The woman across the room shook dark hair from her face and smiled seductively at the writer.
Torrey felt a warmth permeate her body with that smile. Someone must have addressed the woman because the brunette turned her head back toward the conversation. It was an amazing coincidence that she should meet a woman that reminded her so much of Taylor, especially when she and her friend had been separated for nearly seven years now. Even more so on a weekend when Torrey was missing Taylor more than ever.
The woman standing across the room wasn't nearly as tall as her old friend, perhaps five foot nine or so. Nor was the young woman as breathtaking. This woman was beautiful to be sure, but did not have Taylor's stunning beauty. Torrey found her eyes roaming the woman's body and ran right into the indigo orbs, watching her once again. This time the woman smiled and winked, telling Torrey that she caught her. The writer merely shrugged at being caught in the act. Once again the brunette turned back to the people talking next to her.
"You may want to be forewarned about that one." Rick whispered in her ear. "She's a pro."
"Are you kidding?" Torrey was surprised. Of course, she had no idea what a prostitute looked like other than the ones that hung around down on Fifty-eighth Street in Chicago.
"She's very expensive, but from what I hear, very good at what she does." Rick said under his breath.
"How expensive?" Torrey asked.
Rick looked over at the young woman and smiled. He hadn't thought of Torrey as a woman, who would ever have to pay for sex, but she didn't like the complications of dating and two years could be a long time.
"Would you like me to make inquiries on your behalf?" Rick asked with a knowing smile.
Torrey watched as the young woman across the room looked in her direction with a smirk that seemed to want to know what she was waiting for.
"Oh, yes." Torrey stated, finishing off the last of her scotch.
Torrey ran the key card through the lock and pushed the door open. The suite at the Plaza was the same one she stayed in every year when she came to New York. The staff was courteous and attentive to the writer's needs. The young man at the desk never even blinked when he saw the small blonde walk in with the tall brunette. Whatever people well off enough to afford a suite at the Plaza did in their rooms, was none of his business.
Taking off her jacket Torrey headed straight for the bar.
"Would you like a drink, Kat?" She asked the taller woman.
"Sure, whatever you're having is fine." The woman answered.
Torrey handed Kat her drink and taking a large swallow of her own, she proceeded to move toward the bathroom.
"I need to take a shower. Give me a few minutes, won't you?" Torrey turned away and wandered into the bathroom before the call girl could answer.
Kat sipped on her scotch and a smile played across her lips. She began to slowly remove her own clothes. She had to wonder at the beautiful blonde. Usually the only women who sought her out were older dykes with lots of money that had long since lost their ability to attract younger women. The only reason an attractive, wealthy man or woman paid her for sex was if they wanted no strings and wanted it on their terms. She recognized Torrey Gray right off, but by the woman's innocent smile and the way she wrote, Kat would never had thought that this woman was one of those no strings clients, yet here she was.
Kat opened the door to the bathroom and leaned her naked body against the doorjamb. She watched as Torrey's partially robed figure prepared to enter the shower stall.
"Would you like some help?" Kat asked.
"I wouldn't say no to a little company." Torrey replied without turning her head.
The brunette made her way behind the smaller woman, reaching her hand around the front of the blonde's body and releasing the loose knot that held the robe together. Pulling the collar down from each shoulder, Kat let the robe fall to the floor. She knew the blonde was good looking, but she hadn't been prepared for this body. Firm muscles rippled under the smooth tanned skin. Kat brushed the blonde hair to one side of Torrey's neck and placed a series of feather light kisses across the woman's neck and shoulders. Kat reached forward and opened
the shower door, allowing Torrey to enter first.
The act of sliding soapy hands across one another's bodies, was simply a pretense for what was actually going on. Once they were thoroughly rinsed, Torrey pressed her body firmly against the taller woman's torso, effectively pinning her against the warm ceramic tile. She kissed and licked all the way down Kat's neck, running a wet tongue the length of the woman's collarbone. Moving her head further down, Torrey allowed her tongue to reach out and flick a taut nipple.
Kat moaned loud and long at the sensation.
Torrey glanced up at the woman and smiled. "Easy. I'm good, but I'm not that good." Torrey responded.
Kat chuckled out loud. This woman was no idiot; she knew what a whore's gambit was. Usually for a client to feel like they were getting their money's worth you had to moan like it was the best fuck of your life. Obviously this small dynamo was on to that and didn't want any part of it.
Torrey once again ran her tongue over the hard nub of flesh, quickly clamping down on it with her front teeth.
That one surprised the call girl and the sharp intake of breath, and the breathless moan that came from her own throat surprised her.
"That's better." Torrey murmured into her breast.
Kat leaned her head back against the wall and began to enjoy the sensations the woman was creating in her body. It had been a long time since a beautiful woman worked her over and she certainly wasn't adverse to giving a customer what they wanted, so she let the blonde slide down her body and settle herself on her knees between Kat's legs.
Kat didn't want to assume what Torrey wanted to do, the writer seemed to want to lead this dance, so the call girl simply looked down waiting for some kind of instruction. Torrey finally reached up and parted the brunette's thighs, placing Kat's left foot on the ceramic seat in the corner. With her leg bent, Kat spread her legs as wide as possible, watching in delight as the blonde slid her tongue beyond dark curls and began using firm strokes of her tongue on the hooded bundle of nerves.
"Jesus," Kat moaned, thrusting her hips forward shamelessly for more of the woman's delicious touch.
Kat could only writhe and moan as Torrey brought her body up to the precipice again and again only to pull back at the last moment. The blonde would pull Kat's clitoris into her mouth and suck hard, then just when the brunette's thighs would begin trembling, her body expecting release, Torrey would pull back to nibble on her nether lips.
"Good God, woman," Kat looked down at the blonde who smiled back up at her. "Are you trying to ruin me?"
Torrey just smiled with a Cheshire cat like grin before losing herself within the taller woman's sex. The writer used the flat of her tongue to stroke Kat's now swollen center.
"What else do you want?" Torrey paused to ask with a knowing look.
"Fuck me, dammit!" Kat replied emphatically. She wasn't used to being on the begging end and money or no money, if this gal didn't finish her off there was going to be hell to pay.
Torrey's eyes narrowed as she pressed three fingers inside the woman, wrapping her lips around the neglected nub of flesh that pulsed with need. It only took moments before Kat came with a loud groan, her inside walls contracting and releasing against the fingers inside her. The call girl was breathing hard as she pulled Torrey up to kiss her. It had been a very long time indeed since she'd kissed a beautiful woman who had her taste on their lips.
Torrey ran her face under the still running water as Kat spoke to her.
"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, because it's definitely meant as a compliment, but..." The call girl paused to control her breathing.
"...You ought to be a whore!"
Torrey leaned her head back and laughed. Amazing. This woman thought she was good simply because she knew enough to take what she wanted. She reached down and turned off the water, exiting the shower. Grabbing up two towels she kept one for herself and handed the other to Kat.
Once she was dry, Torrey moved to enter the bedroom, but stopped in the middle of the doorway, staring at the bed that had been turned down by a maid earlier.
Kat watched the woman in front of her and felt a certain confidence leave the woman's body. She came up and pressed her own body against Torrey's back.
"Would you like me to lead now?" She asked.
Torrey only nodded her head in assent.
Running gentle fingertips along the sides of the smaller woman's well-defined arms and up the muscled abdomen, Kat leaned down and sucked at the flesh where Torrey's neck met her shoulder.
"You are beautiful," Kat whispered.
Torrey snorted. "Not everyone thinks that." She snapped bitterly.
So that's it, Kat thought to herself. As desirable as this woman in front of her was, the writer pined for someone that didn't want her back. That's why she paid for sex. She obviously didn't want it any other way.
"Then she's a fool." Kat responded, kissing her way up Torrey's neck.
"She's very beautiful." Torrey replied almost mournfully.
Kat stroked the length of the woman's ear with her tongue, leaning in closer to suck on her earlobe. She enjoyed the shiver that she felt run through the woman's frame. Her hot breath blew against Torrey's ear.
"Then she's a beautiful fool." Kat simply stated.
Kat pulled the smaller woman into bed on top of her, making sure to caress every inch of the woman's back and shoulders, before reaching the firm backside and massaging the flesh there. She rolled over; Torrey underneath her now as Kat slipped her thigh between the woman's legs, pressing her leg into the wet flesh at Torrey's center. She firmly kissed a trail up the writer's neck to her jaw, lowering her mouth to taste the woman's lips. Kat tenderly ran the tip of her tongue across Torrey's bottom lip before nibbling and kissing the writer's mouth.
Torrey reached up and slipped her fingers into Kat's damp hair, pulling the brunette down and into a harder kiss. She moaned into the woman's mouth above her. Meanwhile Kat let her hands begin a sensual exploration of the woman's body.
The call girl let her lips trail downwards until they wrapped themselves around a hard nipple, Torrey's hands grasping the woman's hair even tighter.
"Yesss," Torrey sighed, arching her back into the sensations of the woman's tongue swirling around the hard nub of flesh.
Kat made an attempt to slide down Torrey's body further, but the writer stopped her.
"No," she said gently, "that's not what I want."
Kat moved up and kissed the soft lips once again. "Then show me what you want, baby" Kat whispered in her ear.
Torrey boldly placed the palm of the woman's hand against her wet center, spreading her thighs further apart. The call girl swirled her fingers in Torrey's wetness, gently stroking the slick folds, spreading the moisture across her center. Torrey shivered at the touch and began rocking her hips against the woman's hand.
Kat reached down to kiss the blonde again, resting her fingers against each side of Torrey's clit.
"God, you're wet." Kat moaned, as her fingers began to slide in an alternating up and down motion.
"Oh, God, yesss...just like that...oh, right there." Torrey dictated to the woman on top of her.
Torrey wrapped her legs around the taller woman as Kat urged two long fingers deep inside with a gentle thrust.
"What's her name?" Kat whispered, licking the sides of Torrey's neck. "This woman who doesn't want you?"
"Taylor." Torrey breathed heavily, her hips lifting off the bed as the tempo of Kat's thrusts increased.
"Go ahead and call out her name, baby." Kat moaned against Torrey neck. "You know you want to."
"Oh, God...Taylor, yesss." Torrey responded to the call girls prodding.
A new flood of wetness covered Kat's hand, indicating the small woman's impending orgasm. She moved her thumb in a circular motion against the swollen bundle of nerves, pressing slow and deep into the woman below her. Within seconds Torrey's fingernails dug into the muscles of Kat's shoulders, as the small blonde released with a cry of Taylor's name.
Torrey never cried out Taylor's name that way before and she felt tears at the loneliness the action caused.
"Ssh, it's okay." Kat whispered, moving off Torrey's body and lying on her side next to the small woman. She pulled Torrey against her chest and continued to lightly kiss her shoulders, running her fingers through the blonde hair.
"Would you like me to stay with you for a while longer?" Kat asked softly.
Torrey silently nodded her head and enjoyed the feeling as the tall woman wrapped her arms around the smaller figure.
Two hours later, Torrey awoke to a light kiss on her neck.
"I have to go, baby" Kat's voice said.
"Mmmm, okay." Torrey murmured, raising herself up on one elbow and reaching into the bedside table for her wallet. She counted out five one hundred-dollar bills and placed them on the table.
Kat placed a card on the bedside table next to Torrey as she scooped the bills into her hand.
"Take this, the next time you're in town give me a call." The call girl said.
Torrey took Kat up on her offer. The writer made it to New York at least once a year and she always made a point to call Kat ahead of time and arrange a night together. It wasn't anything more than what it was; paid sex. She never even learned Kat's last name, but the knowing call girl listened to Torrey's ramblings about Taylor, and when they were in bed, sometimes Torrey could almost believe it was Taylor making love to her.
The ringing of the phone finally wrenched Taylor from sleep, her hand moving up and knocking the phone from its base.
"Yea," Taylor's sleepy voice answered.
"Taylor?" The voice asked.
"Who is this?" The artist question, slow to wake up fully.
"Emily, Emily Matthews...Corey's mother?"
"Emily, what time is it?" Taylor asked.
"It's two a.m., I'm so sorry to call this late. But--" The woman's voice broke and there was a moment's silence.
"Emily, what happened?" Taylor asked, knowing that at two in the morning it would not be good.
"I thought you should know...I--well, since your Jessica and Corey were friends I thought maybe you could tell her." Corey's mother rambled on.
"Tell who what?" Taylor was confused.
"Tell Jessica. I'm sorry to tell you like this, Taylor, but my daughter died last night." Emily Matthews replied tearfully.
"What...How?" Taylor thought she was still sleeping and this was just a bad dream.
"She--She went out yesterday afternoon with some old friends and she never came home." Taylor listened as the woman sobbed quietly. "They brought her in as a DOA from a drug overdose."
Taylor listened with incomprehension as Corey's mother explained the rest to her. Emily was a nurse, but her skilled detachment couldn't conceal the depth of her anguish from the artist.
"Emily, can we do anything for you, anything at all?" Taylor asked.
"If you and Jess would be at her funeral, day after tomorrow at Westberry. Taylor, please don't let Jessica go off because of this, please make her understand what Corey would have wanted." Emily pleaded.
"We'll be there. Don't worry, I'll take care of Jess." Taylor replied. "Emily, don't be afraid to call if you need something, or even just somebody to talk to, okay?"
Taylor held the phone in her hand until the loud blaring of the line called her attention to it. Replacing the phone in its cradle, she rolled onto her back and let hot tears slide from her eyes. Placing a pillow over her head, she pounded her fists into the bed, letting the cushion over her face muffle her screams of frustration over another life that she couldn't save.
"Jess, honey, wake up." Torrey gently shook the sleeping girl's shoulder.
"Aw, go 'way Tay. It's too early." Jess moaned from underneath the covers.
Taylor smiled gently at the young woman's abbreviated use of her name. Fourteen years later and to Taylor's ears, it still sounded like the voice of that two-year-old.
"Jess, something's happened. You need to wake up so we can talk.
The artist debated over whether to wake the young woman or let her sleep and tell her in the morning. She tried to think back to when she was seventeen. What would she have wanted her mother to do under similar circumstances?
JT jerked awake. Looking up at Taylor's face, she noticed the woman's red, swollen eyes. She quickly tried to think of what would cause tears in the stoic artist.
"Mom? Is mom okay?" JT asked in alarm.
"Your mom is fine, hon, it's not about her. Come on and get up and wash your face off so I know you're awake, then meet me in the living room, okay?" Taylor requested.
"Okay." JT replied, pulling herself from the bed as Taylor pulled the door closed behind her.
Taylor was seated in the pit area of the living room in front of the fireplace, clothed in an old MU sweatshirt and worn jeans. The artist had the fireplace going and the clean wood smell was a sort of comfort scent to Jessica. A fire on a cold evening was the way her mom used to relax at the end of her workday.
"I made a cup of Earl Grey for you." Taylor said quietly, indicating the mug on the end table.
"Taylor could you just tell me, 'cause this is kind of freaking me out." Jessica said suddenly.
Taylor looked up at the girl understandingly, but she wasn't certain she knew how to begin.
"I got a call a couple of hours ago from Corey's mom, Jess."
That's all it took for the light of fear to begin to burn in the young girl's eyes. Calling in the middle of the night, she thought Corey must have fallen off the wagon. That's when Taylor's expression changed and the older woman couldn't keep the tears from her own eyes. JT's fear grew as the solemnity of Taylor's face changed.
"Jess, I'm sorry, but...Corey, she...she died last night, hon."
"But, she was just here. I mean, this weekend, we just worked together..." The young girl's voice trailed off.
People always seemed to say that when you tell them someone has died. They always seem to comment on the fact that they just saw them.
Jessica didn't know why but she immediately thought it was a car accident. Frankly, she'd seen Emily Matthews drive through Southern California's twisting mountain roads and she was none too confident in the woman's ability.
"What happened?" JT asked in a very small voice.
"Emily said that she went out with some friends yesterday afternoon and she never came home. She was brought into the hospital last night. She was already dead...an overdose." Taylor replied in a broken voice that she was trying very hard to keep together for Jessica's sake.
"No, that's impossible!" JT responded.
Taylor sat her mug down as she watched the girl begin to pace back and forth above her, her eyes nervously darting back and forth.
"She was just here, she would have told me if she was having trouble...she trusted me!"
"Jess, we don't always tell out friend's everything we're going through, especially as addicts. You should know better than a lot of people that we hide shit better than anybody." Taylor rose from her seat as she spoke and leaned against the arm of the sofa.
"I should have done something. I should have been able to see what she was going through. I should have helped...I should have been there for her...she should have told me!"
That's when Jessica made the move that Taylor was waiting for, the young girl bolted toward the front door. The artist knew this would come and steeled herself for it. It's what we always try to do in times of extreme panic...fight or flight.
The older woman jumped up with a speed that would have surprised many, and was behind the girl in no time. She reached out a tentative arm and was slapped away hard by Jessica. That's when Taylor wondered if she would still be strong enough to be able to physically restrain a seventeen year old, nearly as strong as herself. She hadn't expected JT to go full out with her, but the girl wasn't exactly herself at the moment.
Taylor reached out an arm around the girl's waist and pulled back hard, stopping the girl and nearly lifting her off her feet at the same time.
"Let go of me!" JT screamed. At the same time she jabbed an elbow in the taller woman's midsection.
Taylor gave a grunt as the blow was taken in her stomach, but still kept her grip on the girl who was screaming and crying by this time. The artist may not have been as strong as she was twenty years ago, but she knew the tricks and had the experience. She easily ducked the next jab that came toward her head, then slipped an arm through the girls flailing arms until she was in a tight restraining hold.
"It's not fair!" The girl cried. "She was doing so good, it's not fair that it should happen to her. Why would she let someone do that do her?"
"Jess," Taylor shouted to be heard. "Jessica! She did it to herself, honey."
"Why, Tay...why would she do that to herself?" JT slumped in Taylor's hold. The girl sobbed as the dark-haired artist turned her around and held her in arms that still shook from the strain of keeping the girl from running.
"Her mom said the doctors told her it was probably an accident. She hadn't done anything in a while and the coke she took was too much for her. They said her heart couldn't take it." Taylor explained, not revealing that the doctors said the young girl's heart had literally exploded in her chest. She was dead instantly.
"I don't get it," Jessica said through her tears. "Why did she go out partying in the first place. Why didn't she call us? I would have been able to stop her."
Taylor stroked the young girl's face and guided her back into the living room. They both sat down in the oversized loveseat, Taylor wrapping her arms around the girl much as she always had for JT's mother.
"This is the one lesson that I hoped would be a way off for you yet, Jess. It comes with the territory when you make friends with other addicts. And, I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying you have to be aware that things like this can happen, and there are some important rules to remember when these kinds of things do happen to our friends. Wanna hear what I have to say?" Taylor asked, beginning to stroke the girl's hair.
Jessica just nodded her head.
"First thing is, that it's not up to you to save someone. It's near impossible to keep them from themselves. If any of us, you, me or Corey wanted to go back and start using, and if we really wanted to do it, there's no way our friends could stop us. They could threaten and try, but you can't be with someone else twenty-four hours a day."
"You could try." JT responded.
"Yea, honey, you could, but if you did that then you'd be running their life. It wouldn't be their choice. The only way to beat an addiction is on your own, Jess. I am always here for you and so is your mom, but ultimately it is all you and the choices you make. That's why staying clean is such an accomplishment for us. I mean, sure we have people we're doing it for, but they don't go through all the hell, do they? It's something that we do. Although, that doesn't mean I wouldn't beat the crap out of you if I found out you started using again, fear can be very motivating at times." The older woman said with a little grin as she lifted Jessica's face up to until their eyes met.
JT gave a small laugh, sniffing and wiping her tears away. Taylor reached over to the coffee table and handed the girl some tissues.
The young girl blew her nose, but the tears didn't stop and Taylor didn't encourage them to. The older woman knew this was the best way for the young girl to begin her grieving process. She reached over and brushed damp bangs from the girl's face.
"Just remember, Jess. The way you feel right now about losing your friend is only a drop in the ocean compared to the way your mother and I would ever feel if we lost you." Tears glistened in the artist's eyes as the thought came to her brain.
"It won't always keep you from doing what you want to do, but I think it's important for you to hear it and believe it, okay?"
" 'Kay," Jessica replied, resting her head in the crook of the older woman's shoulder.
Taylor's broad smile unconsciously spread across her face as she remembered one of the last times she held the young girl in her arms like this and the exact same response that came from the girl's lips.
Taylor squeezed Jessica in a strong hug.
"I love you, Jess. I'll always think of you as my daughter, too." Taylor said.
"I love you too, Tay. You make a good mom." Jessica replied, returning the hug and relaxing in the older woman's arms.
"Thanks, hon." Taylor kissed the top of JT's head and rested her chin there.
Taylor felt they had narrowly avoided a real disaster today, and she knew it wasn't over yet. One more day and they would find their nerves and their emotions tested again when they found themselves at Corey's funeral. She wouldn't push it now, but tomorrow she would probably have to take Jess shopping for some appropriate clothes. God, this is going to be a really long weekend.
The funeral was hard on everyone, not the least were Corey's friends from the AA group. It always hit addicts the worst. It was like losing one of your own, and for a reason that you were only a step away from yourself. Natalie stayed with Corey's mom and helped her get through the day. Taylor couldn't have been more proud of Jessica. She and Taylor went shopping the day before and each of them purchased new clothes suitable for the solemn occasion. Early that morning Jessica asked Taylor if she knew of a place the girl could get her hair cut. Taylor called and was able to get an appointment for she and Jess both later that day.
Once they made it to Adrian's for their hair appointment, Jessica had pretty much decided to get her hair trimmed down to shoulder length. The final results looked good on the girl and in her new clothes she looked more of a woman that Taylor was prepared to admit to. Taylor had her bangs and split ends trimmed up, refusing Adrian's good-natured attempt to get her to cut off any more than that.
"Taylor, come on, wouldn't you like to look a little more butch? Let's take it real short, it'll look great, the women will love it." The hairdresser said.
"I cry too much to be butch." The artist deadpanned, raising an eyebrow filled with intimidation at the young woman.
Adrian took the hint and both women left the shop looking and feeling a little better.
"You're daughter's turning into a beautiful young woman," Adrian said to Taylor before they left.
Taylor didn't explain; she simply smiled and agreed.
The drive home after the funeral was as long as any Taylor ever made. She worried that Jess wasn't talking. Like her mother, the girl was a veritable chatterbox and when she was silent that usually meant something was wrong.
"Taylor?"
"Yea?"
"I think I'd like to see mom, would you mind?" Jessica asked.
"No, Jess, of course not. You know it's almost time to go back. Your mom only wanted you to stay out here for six months." Taylor approached the subject she'd been dreading.
"Do you want me to go?" JT asked quickly.
"No, Jess, you can live with me whenever you'd like for as long as you like. I just meant that you'll have to talk to your mom about whatever you decide you want to do." Taylor answered.
"I feel bad, guilty, you know? I don't think mom's gonna like what I want to do. Besides, part of me feels like I'm being unfair to her. I mean, she lives with all my shit for so many years and now that I know how to act like a human being I'm going to take off on her." Jessica replied solemnly.
Taylor chuckled at the young woman's assessment. "Yea, I can see where you'd be a little torn, but your mom can be a very understanding woman, Jess. She knows that this is your life to live, not hers. I guess the only advise I can give you is to make the time you do have with your mom, pleasant. Show her that you've grown up and that you don't act like a complete ass anymore." Taylor finished with a smile at the girl.
"Thanks, Tay," JT grinned at the artist. "I can always count on you to make sure my ego doesn't get out of hand."
"That's what I'm here for." Taylor returned the sly grin. "So what have you decided to do with your life?"
"I want to go to school. I have the credits just not the grades. If I can talk mom into paying for college then I won't have to depend on miserable SAT's to get a scholarship. I could always get a job too, that might help." Jessica explained.
"Sounds like a good plan." Taylor replied proudly. "Why don't you hold off on the money end and let me talk to your mom first, okay?" Taylor said, realizing that now she was going to have to talk her extremely proud friend into taking the money she had been depositing in Jessica's college fund. "So where's it gonna be?"
"I've narrowed it to Cal Arts or U of C in Irvine. Your friend Kenny seemed to think they would be the best." JT answered.
Taylor nodded remembering the day they visited Kenny at the studios where he now worked. She never thought the young man responsible for the one tattoo she had, would now be an animator for a major studio in California.
"When do you want me to make a reservation for you to go back and for how long?" Taylor asked.
"Uhm, I was kind of thinking it would be kinda cool if mom could come out here. That is if it wouldn't whack you out or anything." JT said cautiously.
Taylor took a deep sigh. Could she handle it? Hell, she couldn't expect Jessica to stay out here and never have her mother visit. God, she wouldn't bring a date with her, would she?
"You sure your mom isn't seeing anyone, Jess?" Taylor asked nervously.
"Tay, I told you, mom never dates. Look I won't ask her if it will make you uncomfortable at all. I just thought that if she came out here and saw everything, the way you and I get along, and then maybe we could visit the University while she's here, well, that maybe she'd feel more at ease with the whole thing. You know she loves California. She's always talking about coming back here some day. Hey wouldn't that be cool, if we all lived here?" JT said enthusiastically.
Taylor looked over at the young woman. "I never knew she felt that way. I know she liked it when we came out, but I didn't know it was someplace she'd actually live. I wouldn't let your hopes soar too high on that last part though, Jess. It's kind of hard on me sometimes, just being in the same room with your mom knowing that someday she'll find someone she loves."
"I know, Tay, I'm sorry. I don't want to see you or mom unhappy. You sure you can handle this?"
"Hey, sometimes it's hard, but most of the time I love being around your mom. She's the best friend I have, aside from you, and I love her dearly. As a matter of fact I can't wait to see your mom again." Taylor smiled and she surprised herself by actually believing what she said.
"Great!" JT smiled broadly. "I'll call her as soon as we get home."
"But, mom, it'll be so much fun. You said you'd love to come back out her for a vacation sometime." Jessica pleaded.
"I know I did, honey, but this sounds like it could be a bad time. Your friend is gone and I'm sure it's not an upbeat kind of time, Taylor's show is coming up and she probably doesn't want me underfoot while she's trying to work."
Torrey desperately racked her own brain to come up with plausible excuses as to why coming to California would be a bad idea, but try as she might, the best she could come up with were a pathetic few.
"Mom, It's not like that. Tay was the one who said she can't wait to see you!" JT tried attacking from a different point.
Torrey chuckled when she heard that name from Jessica's own voice.
"What are you laughing about?" Jessica asked, slightly confused.
"You used to call Taylor that when you were little. I'm surprised you remembered." Torrey replied.
"Actually, I didn't remember, it just sort of felt right, you know? I wonder why she didn't say anything about it?" Jessica pondered.
"She probably didn't want to embarrass you, honey." Torrey responded.
"So, Mom...what about it? I really want you to come out here, you'll love Tay's place, I know it.
The truth was that Torrey did indeed want to see her daughter and Taylor in the environment that Jess had obviously grown fond of. She ached to hold her daughter in her arms and a different kind of ache pulled at her at the thought of seeing Taylor again. She really couldn't fight it because she simply didn't want to.
"Okay, babydoll...just tell me where and when." Torrey said as she swore she could feel JT's grin across the phone line. "And, honey, you tell Taylor that if she leaves me waiting at the airport like she did in Maine, I'll have her hide."
Torrey hung up the phone and began making mental lists of what she would need to pack. Jess wanted her to stay for a couple of weeks, so that meant at least two suitcases and at least one carryon. She swept into her bedroom and perused the items in her walk in closet. They were suitable for everyday wear in Chicago and the occasional party, very East coast, but she realized that she was about to see the woman she still loved after an absence of fourteen years. This definitely called for a shopping trip.
Torrey walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower faucets. She paused in front of the mirror over the sink and her hand went up to her short blonde locks.
"Oh, my God! Why did I get my haircut now?" She yelled at her image. It was a good cut and practical now that she went and worked out and swam everyday at the health club, but what would Taylor think? Good Lord, Torrey, you're acting like you've got a chance with the woman. You look great and you know it, you're just going out there to see your daughter and your best friend. You can do this. Now straighten up and don't worry so much.
Torrey leaned back in the reclining chair, her eyes closing slightly as she sipped on a mug of warm tea. After flying first class only once, ten years ago, the writer swore she would never travel any other way. After so many years of jetting to different parts of the country, you would have thought a fear of flying would no longer be in her repertoire, though. It didn't put her in a panic, but she never quite gave up the thought that this could be the one, her time.
"Excuse me," a voice across the aisle said softly.
Torrey raised green eyes to a woman with blonde hair and smiling eyes.
"I know you probably get this a lot, but are you Torrey Gray?"
Torrey displayed a sunny smile that was, in a way, her trademark. Truth be known, it was the only way she knew how to smile. Yes, she'd heard the line for years, but secretly, she never tired of it.
"Yes, I am." She replied softly.
Two hours later the women were side by side, discussing everything from daughters to Maine. When the flight attendant announced they would be landing in a few minutes, the stranger was tempted to give the writer her card. She enjoyed the woman's laughter and cheerful personality. She had heard all the rumors, but always wondered if they could be true, was Torrey Gray gay? The blonde smiled back over at the writer and decided she'd wait until they landed and see if she could entice the woman out for lunch, and later, possibly more.
Taylor pushed herself from against the wall and paced impatiently in front of the monitors that flashed incoming flight information. She consulted her watch then walked back to resume her vigil by the wall. When she looked down, Jessica's silent green eyes were smiling up at her.
"Geez, Tay, are you gonna be okay?" JT asked with a snort.
"Why?" Taylor growled.
"Well, you look like you're having a min-breakdown for one thing." Jessica laughed.
"Don't laugh at me, squirt. It's a long walk home." Taylor said, arching an eyebrow for effect.
Jessica laughed again. Like her mother before her, the artist's intimidating stare had little effect on the young woman.
"Don't worry, Tay. After all, it's just mom." Jessica said with a hint of understanding.
"I know." Taylor gave a little half smile. Taylor seemed unable to make Jess understand that it being Torrey was the problem.
The passengers on the flight from Chicago began to disembark the plane. Jessica made a motion to go forward, but Taylor stayed back, not moving.
"Why don't you go and, you know, and I'll just hang back here." Taylor uncharacteristically stammered.
Jessica smiled slightly, not even guessing herself at how much this first meeting after fifteen years meant to the tall artist.
Jessica spotted her mother right away, even with the new haircut. Taylor hung back and watched as mother and daughter met in a tearful, yet delighted reunion.
"Oh God, Jess, you look wonderful." Torrey said with tears in her eyes. She hugged her daughter close and kissed her cheek. "Your hair, it looks great on you." She said, running her fingers through the girl's hair.
Torrey looked up at her daughter and saw a light in the girl's eyes that hadn't been there six months ago. Her green eyes sparkled brightly and she shared a hug with her mother that Torrey thought she would never feel again.
"You look beautiful mom." Jessica whispered proudly.
Torrey simply gazed at her daughter for a few silent moments. The writer never thought the day would arrive when her rebellious young girl would look at her with anything but contempt. Now, Torrey heard the pride in her child's voice and saw the love in her eyes. She promised herself she would spend the rest of her life repaying Taylor for this gift. With that thought the writer felt her stomach do a slight flip in anticipation of seeing her old friend again.
"Jess, where's Taylor? Is she with you?" Torrey asked.
JT nodded and motioned with her eyes to the figure that began walking toward them.
Taylor didn't realize she had been holding her breath until the air was knocked from her lungs by the sight of the small blonde. Torrey looked absolutely perfect in white slacks and a pale green blouse under the white linen jacket that had the sleeves casually pushed up to her elbows. Taylor was more surprised at the new hairstyle. She finally did what she threatened to do for years. The casual cut, soft wisps of blonde hair falling loosely over her ears and nearly into her eyes caused the petite writer to look sexier than ever in Taylor's eyes.
Fifteen years of wanting made itself known as every nerve ending in the artist's body felt like it had been shocked with an electric jolt of fire. She melted at the sight as she watched Torrey laugh and smile at her daughter and when she saw the woman raise her eyes to where she stood, she couldn't stop the goofy grin that she was sure appeared on her face.
Torrey looked over to where her daughter indicated and fell into pools of cobalt light. Taylor was already giving her that lopsided grin she seemed to reserve only for Torrey, as she walked toward the two women.
Jessica took a step back as Taylor approached. Torrey let loose of her daughter's waist and stood before the taller woman. Without hesitation Torrey slipped her arms around the artist's waist, reaching up on her tiptoes, she kissed the dark-haired woman's lips. They had kissed like this before, but Taylor was always the one to initiate it. The artist was shaken when Torrey established the intimate contact. Torrey felt the warmth of Taylor's embrace, then pulled back to look into the taller woman's incredible eyes.
"You look great, Stretch." Torrey smiled.
Taylor reached down and gave another squeeze to the smaller woman's shoulders.
"As beautiful as ever." Taylor whispered in her ear.
It was then that the blonde Torrey had been chatting with on the plane disembarked. If the woman ever thought she had a chance with the petite author with the jade green eyes, all those thoughts were squashed as she looked over at the small woman being greeted by two other women. It was the taller of the two dark-haired women that caught the blonde's eye. The way they looked into one another's eyes, punctuated by the kiss they shared in the middle of the airport, had the blonde turning away with a sigh of regret. Well, at least I know the rumors were true, she said to herself as she walked away.
I can't believe that neither one of you has said a thing about my haircut." Torrey stated as they began to move to the luggage area.
"It's nice, mom." JT said.
"Oh, yeah." Taylor added. The artist didn't dare tell her how gorgeous she really looked.
"Well, judging by that thoroughly underwhelming response, I think I'll let it grow out." Torrey laughed.
"Oh, no mom, really you look great." JT said with more conviction.
"Uhm, yeah, beautiful, Tor." Taylor tried not to stare.
"Actually, really stunning." Jess said, stopping to admire her mother.
"Absolutely breathtaking." Taylor added, taking her cue from JT.
Torrey looked between Taylor and her daughter as the two exchanged knowing grins.
"Oh, I can see I'm going to be outnumbered with you two together." Torrey responded.
They couldn't help but laugh at the smaller woman. Torrey placed an arm easily around her daughter's waist and slipped her own hand within the artist's callused one. They walked along that way, looking for the entire world, like a family. Taylor held on to the small hand held within her own and relished the sweet contact. Torrey made no move to pull away and the artist knew she wasn't going to be the one to extinguish the familiar touch. They picked up Torrey's luggage and in moments Taylor returned with the Explorer, pulling in front of the airport to pick up her friend.
Taylor jumped out of the car to store the luggage in the back, opening the passenger side door for Torrey to get in. Jessica watched with a hidden smile at the way the two women treated one another. In her heart the young girl knew that Taylor would be attentive and charming with her mother. They moved like two people who had long grown used to the other's moves. When Taylor opened the door for JT's mother, Torrey slipped in without saying a word as if this courtesy were extended to her by someone everyday.
"So, where are you two taking me for lunch, I'm starving." Torrey said to break the silence.
"You...starving? What a surprise." Taylor said in a voice dripping with sarcasm.
Before the artist knew it, Torrey slapped her thigh.
"Five minutes I've been here and you're already abusing me." Torrey said with a mock air of disdain.
"That's because you make it so easy, Little Bit." Taylor replied with a laugh, which earned the artist another smack.
"How about Simon's? Unless you're in the mood for something fancier?" Taylor asked.
"Oh, a Simon Special, yes!" Torrey leaned her head back, enjoying the idea.
"Gross," Jessica said from the back seat. "I'm gonna have to watch both of you eat those disgusting sandwiches, aren't I?" Jessica groaned. Secretly the girl was already ecstatic at the way the two women were getting along.
"This place is wonderful, Taylor, I absolutely love it." Torrey said to the woman seated on the couch next to her. "You've done very well for yourself, I'm proud of you." She added.
The two women sat talking late into the night in front of the fireplace. Even though it was officially summer, the evening was cool giving the perfect excuse to light a fire. Jessica had long ago gone to bed. The young woman wasn't quite as tired as she pretended to be, but she knew it would be good for the two older women to be able to spend some time together.
Taylor enjoyed the closeness of Torrey, the way she smiled and teased, the way she touched the artist's arm to make a point. Taylor was realizing, with each passing moment that this was no longer the young girl she cared for and protected for so many years. That eighteen-year-old was gone and a grown woman existed in her place. The artist never grasped that from her writings. Even while reading Torrey's letters, Taylor still pictured the college girl that broke into tears at the slightest provocation. Now Torrey spoke with an air of confidence, the look in her eye, the way she held her body all combined to attract Taylor to her in a way that the artist never felt before.
Torrey, in the meantime, felt her breath catch in her throat each time that she looked up to take in the woman who sat beside her. Taylor's beauty certainly hadn't diminished at all in fifteen years. If anything, Torrey wondered how she could have desired the twenty two year old girl, when this sexy forty year old woman was coaxing her stomach into some major acrobatics. The lines around the artist's mouth and eyes were set a little deeper, but the sapphire orbs still sparkled when she spoke, filling with an electric blue fire when she talked of her art. Clouding over to a steel gray when she was hurt or worried as they did now.
Taylor found herself talking to Torrey as if no time at all had gone by. Her fears and her dreams were all revealed to the green-eyed woman who was always so good at slipping under the artist's defenses and seeing the vulnerable woman that Taylor hid from the rest of the world.
Taylor found herself talking about Corey to her old friend, watching Torrey's eyes grow misty at the thought of the young girl and her troubled life. Tears became an actuality for the young author as she envisioned a mother trying to cope with the death of her only daughter to an addiction that the mother couldn't defeat.
Jessica hadn't been able to fall asleep yet and the girl wandered out into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of ice water. She heard the low murmur of voices from the living room and was pleasantly surprised that her mother and Taylor would still be up talking. She passed by the hall that led down into the living room and sat on the stairs that led to the lower level of the house. She told herself that she would leave immediately if she heard anything at all about herself, that way she wouldn't feel like she was eavesdropping. Actually, the only thing the young woman wanted was to hear the voices of the two women she loved most. She smiled to herself, being able to distinguish the low alto of Taylor's voice as compared to the soft melodic tones of her mother's. Finally Jessica listened as Taylor opened up to Torrey about Corey and the responsibility the artist felt she had to the youngster, letting her slip through her fingers.
"Stretch," Torrey whispered, gently wiping the tears from Taylor's cheeks, "You can't be responsible for everyone. Remember what sister Eva used to say? When you're standing out in the snow, you can only catch as many snowflakes as want to fall on your tongue. She was such a young girl and it breaks my heart too, but you can't make all the teenagers in the world your personal responsibility. That's too much for anyone."
Jessica listened as she heard Taylor's fears and insecurities for the first time. Taylor said a lot of the same things that Jessica herself felt, Torrey responding with many of the things Taylor already said to JT.
"I guess it hit me kind of hard, having Jess here now." Taylor explained to Torrey. The artist ran her fingers through her hair, leaning her elbow on the back of the couch, near Torrey's head. "I didn't know how attached I would grow to Jess in such a short time. I didn't realize how much I love her, Tor, and what I would ever do if the same thing happened to her." Taylor's voice broke and Torrey realized how much the artist had been holding in since the young girl's death. Taylor was being strong for Jess, but had no one to comfort her and the artist's pain was so close to the surface Torrey knew it wouldn't take much to bring it out.
She leaned closer to the dark-haired woman, catching the familiar scent of Opium on her skin. Torrey wrapped strong arms around the artist's shoulders and gently kissed Taylor's forehead. She felt Taylor's body war with itself, tensing before realizing that she was safe in arms that wouldn't let her fall.
"It's okay, honey. You can let go now." Torrey whispered.
The ragged sob that came from Taylor's chest caused an ache in Jessica's own heart. She never realized the stoic woman was hurting so much. She heard Taylor's weeping and the murmurs of her mother's voice and realized what her mother didn't. That Taylor hurt for a lot of reasons her mother didn't know about.
Jessica swallowed the last of her drink and made her way back to her bedroom. She felt like she was intruding on something very private between these women, something that had nothing to do with want or desire, but had everything to do with love and friendship.
"Torrey, honey, wake up. It's after three, do you want to go to bed?" Taylor asked the sleeping woman lying mostly on top of her.
Sometime in the night the two women fell asleep on the couch, the fire burning down to glowing embers. Now, Taylor's body was mostly being used as a pillow by her old friend, the small blonde's leg draped over her thighs.
"Uh unh...too comfortable here." Torrey murmured sleepily, tightening her hold around Taylor's waist and burrowing her face into the soft flesh of Taylor's neck.
The artist could have moaned in pleasure at the feel of the body lying half on her own. If Torrey didn't want to move then Taylor was the last person on earth who was going to talk her into it. The artist brushed her lips against the blonde's forehead, pulling the down comforter from the back of the couch over the two of them. Torrey snuggled deeper and Taylor whispered.
"Good night, Little Bit."
"Night," Torrey mumbled.
Taylor relaxed and enjoyed the weight of the woman's body on her own and the way her arms felt, holding Torrey close to her. She had a feeling Jess might freak if she found them in the morning, but right now it was the farthest thing from her mind.
Taylor groaned and rolled over. She had to remember not to fall asleep on this couch again; her back was killing her. The artist opened sleepy eyes and found she was alone, but the distinct aroma of food told her where her bedmate was. She smiled. God, it was so easy to fall into an old habit.
She walked into the kitchen and nearly ran into Torrey walking in at the same time. The petite blonde wore a tank top and drawstring pants, her hair still damp from the shower.
"Morning," Taylor mumbled. "I thought that was you cooking."
"Hey, I'm on vacation." Torrey said with a smile. Slipping an arm around the artist's waist and walking into the kitchen with her.
"It's about time, I thought you two were never getting up." Jessica said as she poured more batter into the waffle maker. The young woman found the machine a couple of months back, tucked into a cabinet in Taylor's kitchen and realized it was pretty much like making pancakes.
"I was going to wake you up, but you were snoring so loud I figured you were dead to the world." Jessica said to Taylor.
"I do not snore." Taylor replied, defensively.
"Oh, yea you do." Jessica laughed.
"Tor, tell her I don't snore." Taylor looked at her friend for support.
"Uhm, well, the truth is...you do." Torrey said apologetically.
"What? Since when?" Taylor asked, dumbstruck.
"Well, I never noticed it before, but I did when we slept together last night." Torrey answered.
Now it was Jessica's turn to become speechless. "When you did what last night?"
"What?" Torrey asked her daughter.
"You said the two of you slept together." JT questioned.
"I can't believe I snore and nobody even said anything to me." Taylor chimed in with her own obsession.
"Honey, it's not that big a deal." Torrey answered.
"You slept together and you don't think it's a big deal?" Jessica answered.
"Okay, hold it both of you!" Torrey raised her voice to be heard above the two other women. "God, do you two always have this much stimulation before breakfast?" Torrey rubbed her temples.
"You," she said pointing to Taylor. "I'm sorry honey, but yes, somewhere in the last fifteen years you've started to, well it's really more of a relaxed, heavy breathing."
"Snoring." Jessica muttered under her breath.
"You, hush." Torrey scolded.
"It's not annoying, Stretch. It's actually kind of cute." Torrey finished with a grin.
"And you," She pointed to Jessica. "We fell asleep on the couch last night while we were talking. We slept there."
Torrey walked over and smiled approvingly at the two automatic coffee makers, one with tea, and the other with coffee in the glass carafes.
"She's taught you well, my child." She teased her daughter, pouring a mug of tea for herself and handing Taylor her coffee.
"See I told you I didn't snore." Taylor bumped JT's shoulder and growled as she went by.
"Hah, she was just being nice." Jessica replied.
"Watch it, squirt, you're not so big I can't toss you from these cliffs." Taylor shot back.
"Oooh, you're so butch. You and what army?" JT retorted.
Taylor and Jess smiled at one another, suddenly turning to face Torrey. Taylor moved to sit at the table and looked up at her old friend with a sheepish grin.
"I have no idea where she gets that." The artist said innocently.
"I can't imagine." Torrey said, shaking her head.
"I can do that, mom." Jessica said, rising from the breakfast table and taking the empty dishes from her mother's hand.
"Well, since you've got a handle on cleanup, squirt, I am off to a hot bath. That couch played hell with my back last night." Taylor said.
"Tor, what would you like to do today?" Taylor asked, pouring a cup of coffee to take with her.
"Sleep, mostly." The petite blonde grinned. "Actually, I wouldn't mind sitting by the pool for a while."
"Whatever you want just yell, Jess knows where we hide everything. I don't want to ignore you, but I've got some calls to make to get some things ready for the show. Jess will make sure you don't get too lonely." Taylor smiled at the blonde, as she looked up at the artist a little sleepily.
"Come in," Taylor responded to the knock on her office door.
"Tay," Jessica started.
"Not on your life." Taylor said without looking up. The artist pushed aside her Rolodex and leaned back in her chair. "Jess, your mother is the most open and nonjudgmental woman I know. Just tell her you're gay, it won't be that bad."
"She's gonna freak, I just know it. Or she won't even want to meet Val." Jessica replied fearfully.
Valerie Kane, the young woman from the art store called Jessica at least three times a week until Jess invited her to the house for dinner. Once it was apparent the two young women seemed to be serious about one another Taylor had to put her foot down. She told Jess that she wouldn't be able to date, aside from having Valerie over to the house, until her six months were over. After that, she could ask her mother what the rules would be.
Taylor was proud of the fact that Jess decided to be honest and up front with Valerie from the beginning. She told Val everything about why she was here in California. Surprisingly enough, the young woman said she could wait until Jessica's six months were up and anywhere they spent time together would be allright with her. Taylor thought Jess had a winner for her first serious relationship.
"Jess," Taylor chuckled. "Where do you get these perceptions of your mother? You know her better than that. Look I have to go into L.A. to the gallery real quick, that will leave you and your mom here for the afternoon to have a little heart to heart. Just be honest with her and I bet she won't disappoint you. Okay?"
" 'Kay." JT said dejectedly.
Torrey closed her eyes, a slight smile playing on her lips. The sun felt deliciously warm on her skin, the heat of the day quickly evaporating the wetness of the pool. Ah, California. She could definitely get used to this.
"Hey," Jessica said, sitting on the edge of the pool beside her mother. "Taylor had to run into the gallery, she said she'd be back by dinner and that she wanted to take us somewhere cool."
"Sounds good. Taylor always did know all the best restaurants in California." Torrey smiled.
The writer looked at her daughter seated next to her and gently brushed her hand across her cheek.
"I'm so proud of you, Jess. The way you've taken control of your life. I'm not sorry one little bit that I sent you out here, not after seeing you this way." Tears began to fall from Torrey's eyes, but she couldn't stop herself.
"I always wanted this for you, Jess. Just for you to be healthy and happy. I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you."
"I should tell you the same thing, mom. I kinda learned a lot of things about you, being out here with Taylor."
"What kind of things?" Torrey asked.
"Stuff we don't talk about. See Taylor and I have this pact that we can ask each other anything here and we have to tell the truth." Jessica answered.
"And, have you? Told the truth, I mean."
"Oh, yea." JT replied remembering some of the hard truths she and Taylor both learned about each other in the last five months.
"And, you think I don't tell you the truth?" Torrey pondered.
"It's not like you lie, mom, we just don't talk about stuff like that. You never tell me about when you were a kid or what you were like in college. I guess until Taylor started talking about you, I didn't even really know you." Jessica finished softly.
"Then maybe we should do that, be honest with one another." Torrey said.
"You sure you want to do that, mom? It means that we can ask each other anything and you have to answer and you can't lie. We don't avoid subjects just because they're too complicated." Jessica carefully enunciated the last word; Torrey recognizing her often used phrase.
"I guess it wouldn't be very fair of me to expect you do go through things I'm not willing to put myself through. Allright ask away!" Torrey said flinging her arms out at her sides.
Jessica laughed and wasn't sure how to start. She wondered if it was her or her mother, but the older woman next to her seemed very different here in California. This conversation wasn't exactly going as she had planned it.
"Okay!" Jess said with a grin. "Do you really have a tattoo?"
Torrey groaned. "She didn't." The writer said, meaning her old friend. Torrey shook her head, grinned, then pulled the strap of her bathing suit top down, exposing the area above her breast. The Tazmanian Devil smiled out from her skin.
Jess continued to laugh. "It's so cool. You know I met the guy that did this for you." Jess said, then explained how Kenny was an animator at one of the larger animation studios now. "I can't believe you never told me you had this."
"God, honey, you must think I'm a total tight ass, don't you?" Torrey looked over at her daughter, the smile disappearing from her face.
"Mom, it sounds like you and Taylor had so much fun when you guys were younger. What happened?"
"I guess life just happened, Jess. I never wanted you to have to make all the same mistakes I made, so I tried to protect you from knowing about all the trouble you could get into. I never could have known that by doing that I was having the complete opposite effect on you. I'm so sorry, Jess." Taylor said sadly.
"Mom, you didn't make me any way. I chose to be this way. Okay so we could have done some things differently, but now I know that you love me and I know that I love you too. Taylor says the best thing about second chances is that it's our chance to make things right again. I'd like to do that, mom. I'd like to make it right with you." Jessica said with tears in her eyes.
"Oh, Jess," Torrey said hugging her daughter tightly. "I promise to work at this second chance we've been given. Besides, I wasn't always a stick in the mud. I did my share of crazy stunts."
"Like what?" JT asked.
Torrey proceeded to tell her daughter how she ripped her top off in front of Kenny that night she insisted that she and Taylor get tattooed. They talked about a lot of things that day. When the sun climbed high into the sky they stopped for iced tea and went back into the Japanese garden to continue their conversation.
Torrey told Jessica her version of a lot of the little incidents Taylor already informed the girl of. She described the day she and Taylor first met and the day Jess was born. For the first time, Torrey told the young woman about the emergency hysterectomy that she had to have and the fact that Jess would always be the only child she would ever give birth to.
Small things began to add up for Jessica and the more Torrey explained of her young life, the more the young woman realized why her mother acted the way she did about certain things. Finally Jess thought they needed to cross the big hurdle.
"Mom, I--uhm, there's kind of someone I've been seeing, you know just as friends." She explained Taylor's rules about dating while she was here.
"I kind of wanted to, you know, actually have a real date, but I wanted to know how you felt about it." Jessica stammered.
Torrey pondered this bit of information, remembering the kinds of boys she liked at seventeen. Back then, anyone her mother wouldn't have approved of was fair game. She wondered what kind of boy her daughter would be taken with. He probably wore a leather jacket, he was certain to have a bike, he was--a girl?
"What did you say?" Torrey had to ask her daughter to repeat the last phrase.
"Her name is Valerie." JT looked into her mother's eyes and swallowed hard. "Mom, I'm gay."
Torrey's eyes never blinked or left Jessica's face. She was smiling on the inside, but didn't dare allow it to rise to the surface. Her daughter just wouldn't get the joke.
"What's she like, is she nice?" Torrey asked.
"Well, yea. She's very nice. It doesn't bother you...about me?" JT asked her mother. She was waiting for tears or a little lecture, something. This new aspect to her mother was throwing her off. She and Torrey spent so many years at odds with one another; it felt curiously new, being friends.
"No, Jess, it doesn't bother me at all. As a matter of fact why don't you see if she wants to come to dinner with us tonight? Check with Taylor first, though. We don't want to mess up any plans she might have."
"Cool." Jessica responded. "I can't believe I was freaked about telling you this." The young woman was shaking her head.
Torrey listened as her daughter revealed her fears regarding the situation and Torrey knew that holding back the truth about herself now would be on the same level as lying. She wanted Jess to trust her every bit as much as she seemed to trust in Taylor. There would only be one way to do that. She would have to earn it.
"Jess," Torrey began, not really sure what or how she wanted to say this. "That's pretty much the way I am." Torrey said, thinking that statement was about as clear as mud. For a writer she was feeling at a particular loss.
Jessica simply stared at her mother. She was talking about something else, right. Just because she doesn't date men doesn't mean anything. She doesn't date women either, does she? Jess remembered the women who never seemed to be around longer than a couple of weeks at a time. They were always introduced as her mother's friends. Just like when she found out about Taylor's feelings for her mother, her world was again being rocked.
"Wow." Jess responded.
"I guess that was the line you didn't expect today, huh?" Torrey asked.
"That's for sure!" Jess grinned over at her mother. Why is it that hindsight is so clear? In a matter of seconds, so many disjointed scenes that involved her mother, made sense to the young woman.
"Are you sure?" JT asked her mother.
Torrey laughed at the question that should have been a mother's to ask.
"Trust me, Jess. I'm sure." Torrey answered.
"Oh." The girl said.
Jessica looked up into her mother's smiling eyes and for probably the first time in her life, she blushed in front of the older woman.
"Ohhh." Jess replied, realizing what her mother meant. "You're sure because you, uhm..."
"Yep," Torrey nodded her head. How do you tell your only daughter that sex with a woman was the best thing you've ever experienced?
"I, uhm, I've never, you know." Jess replied
Torrey must have looked surprised.
"I know, with as wild as I've been, it's hard to believe, right?" The girl asked. "I guess I thought, I don't know, like it would be more special or something if I waited. Ahh, that's sounds stupid, doesn't it?"
"It sounds very smart. You're absolutely right. Your first time should be with someone you care about and who cares for you." Torrey was taken back to a night when, held safe in Taylor's arms, the artist whispered the same words to her.
"Was my dad your first?" JT couldn't keep herself from asking.
"Yes, honey, he was." Torrey answered.
"You didn't love him, though, did you?"
"No. I liked him an awful lot, but I didn't care for him that way."
"I guess you didn't know you were into women back then, huh?" Jess observed.
"Honey, I didn't know anything about anything back then. I was one very naive girl at seventeen. If I hadn't met Taylor I wonder if I would have learned about love and friendship at all." Torrey finished softly.
That's when Jessica saw it. She was surprised at first, but her mother's eyes held the same sad look that Taylor's did when she confessed to the young girl her feelings for Torrey. It was a sad, longing sort of look. JT couldn't help but pursue it.
"Who did you want your first time to be with?" The young woman pushed.
There it was, Torrey thought. The question that would tell her daughter whether Torrey truly believed in their honesty pact. She expected the truth from her daughter, now would she deliver the same?
"I wanted it to be with Taylor." Torrey said in a voice that was barely a whisper.
"Do you still...want to be with her?"
Torrey smiled slowly at her daughter and Jessica noticed tears forming in the writer's eyes.
"I've known Taylor for eighteen years, and I'm more in love with her right this minute than I was the day I fell." Torrey answered honestly. "Actually, I'm surprised she never saw it."
"Yea," Jess answered as if to herself. "I am too. Look, mom, maybe you and Taylor should talk--"
"No, Jess." A look of panic flickered across Torrey's face. "Jess, please. I could live without a lot of things in my life, but Taylor's friendship isn't one of them. Please, don't do anything to interfere. Promise me you won't." Torrey pleaded.
Jessica's brow furrowed, and her heart was torn. The two women she loved most in life and their hearts broke for each other, they just didn't know it. Why couldn't they see it within each other? She promised Taylor she wouldn't tell and now she was about to make the same promise to her mother.
"I promise, mom."
"Hey, I need to get cleaned up if we're going out tonight. We better get a move on." Torrey said to her daughter.
"Hey, mom?" Jessica said, pulling her mother's eyes back to the seat she'd just risen from. "I love you. You're a great mom, you know that?"
Torrey moved in and hugged her daughter tightly. "Thank you, Jess. That means the world to me. You're a pretty wonderful daughter."
Jessica smirked down at her mother. "Yea, well, you probably could have smacked me around some and it wouldn't have hurt. I don't think you ever hit me once." Jess teased.
A look of pain flashed through Torrey's eyes and she quickly turned away from her daughter.
"We better get going." Was all the writer said as she left Jessica wondering what the big deal with spanking your kid was.
"Tay, can I ask you a question?" Jessica caught Taylor in her office. The tall woman just tucked her billfold inside the breast pocket of the Armani linen jacket she wore.
"What's up, squirt?" Taylor asked casually.
The older woman spoke with Jessica earlier, when she got home, and heard the good news about she and her mother's new found relationship. She couldn't help saying I told you so to the young girl. Jessica left out the parts about her mother's personal life when she talked with Taylor.
"Why would mom get freaked out about me asking why she never spanked me when I was a kid?" Jessica asked.
Taylor stopped what she was doing and looked over at the girl.
"Did you ask your mother that question?" Taylor asked.
"Well, not seriously, but when I teased her about it she kind of put me off." Jessica explained.
"I think it's something for you to ask your mom about, Jess." Taylor answered.
"You're putting me off, too?" Jessica couldn't keep the wounded expression from her eyes.
Taylor took Jessica's hand as she leaned on the edge of her desk.
"There are some things that are held in confidence between your mom and me. Things that I just wouldn't feel comfortable talking about behind your mom's back. Please, ask her. You know she won't let you down." Taylor said.
Jessica nodded and gave the artist an understanding smile, all the while wondering what her mother would be so afraid to tell her.