You may not only walk on the grass; you may also feed the bard here! I only know how others feel about my stories from feedback. Let me know what you think about it. Homophobes need not apply, however. I'm at: Devlin@xenafan.com

Part 3

By LJ Maas

"Uh, Taylor? Isn't the name of the art supply place, Danny's?" JT roused the artist from her memories.

"Yea, I know," Taylor sneered, suddenly realizing where she was. "I passed it."

"Where in the world were you?"

"Just dazed out for a minute, I guess." Taylor replied.

Taylor wasn't about to admit that she was daydreaming to the young girl and she especially was not going to admit that she had been thinking of Torrey. Geez, what's with me lately? I haven't sat around daydreaming about these things in years!

She turned the car around and pulled into Danny's parking lot, finding a spot right in front of the large glass doors to park the Explorer. Walking into the large store that supplied artists from all over southern California, Taylor motioned to JT.

"The art tables and easels are in the back, let's take a look at those first." The artist said.

Jessica followed the taller woman to the back of the shop and was nearly run down by a wiry fellow only about as tall as she was.

"Sorry, dear heart...comin' through." He apologized. Then his face broke into a smile. "Taylor! I thought you wouldn't step out of your castle till the big show. What's up?"

"Hey, Danny." Taylor looked up from a drafting chair she was inspecting. "I've got a friend's daughter visiting and she needs the works, table, chair, lights, then all the paper and miscellaneous supplies she'll need. Jessica this is Danny Paries, this is his fine establishment you're standing in."

JT shook hands with the man. "You know, I think my mom has pottery with that name on, any relation?" JT asked.

"Probably me. It's what I do, dear heart, when I'm not supplying my customers with paper, pencils, and the latest gossip. Who's your mom?"

"Uh, Torrey Gray, only she lives in Chicago--"

"Oh, my God...not the Torrey Gray that writes the books?" Danny looked from the young girl to Taylor, both of them nodding their heads.

"Oh, my God," the young man repeated.

JT grinned at the small man's reaction. Something inside her told her she was headed in the right direction with her life. A week ago she would have never admitted Torrey Gray was her mother, now she actually felt proud to be able to show off a famous mom.

Taylor sat back in one of the drafting chairs and waited for her friend to calm down. She knew if Danny ever found out Torrey was her best friend, there would be no dealing with it. Torrey's first book, Stevie, was about her older brother and his battle with AIDS. It not only spent an eternity on the NY Times' bestseller list, but it endeared the young author to a community who applauded her open and honest look at gays and the often hostile world they had to tolerate. Danny and Alec, his lover of the last twelve years, were two of the few people Taylor had grown close to over the years.

"Well, you've come to the right place my dear, and Taylor, I expect that money will not be an issue?" Danny took JT's arm and began to lead the young woman away before turning back to Taylor.

"The sky's the limit." Taylor smiled.

"Allright, ladies and gentleman...we have a celebrity in our midst. Now, Jessica...what kind of art are you interested in?" Danny asked as the young woman was pulled away to another part of the store. Taylor decided to find Alec in the back office and hide out with a cup of coffee.

"Do you think you could use this kind of acrylic paint of paper, or would you have to use canvas?" A pretty blonde turned to Jessica as she was looking through stacks of sketch pads.

JT looked up at the voice from her kneeling position on the floor and felt the power of speech leave her. The young woman was a couple inches shorter than herself and her short blonde hair lay in casual curls all over her head. Her large brown eyes looked expectantly at the dark-haired girl on the floor.

"Huh?" JT asked, trying to buy some time in order for her limbs to take orders from her brain so she could stand.

The blonde noticed her confusion and suddenly realized her error.

"You don't work here, do you? I'm sorry, you just looked like you did. I'm really sorry."

"Oh, it's no big deal." JT finally found her voice. "I have a friend who paints. She might be able to answer your question. I can get her if you want to wait just a sec."

"Sure," the girl smiled sweetly, her smile growing as she watched the retreating backside in tight jeans walk off in a hurry to the back room.

"Taylor!" JT hissed, nearly causing the artist to dump her coffee cup on the floor. "I need your help. There's a girl who's asking a paint type question. Can you help?"

"Oh, I'll take care of her," Danny jumped up.

"No!" JT said, her voice struggling to stay low. I need Taylor to...it's just that...oh, Taylor come on, I can't explain right now."

Taylor chuckled at the girl's attitude, but rose from her seat to see what the problem was.

"And, try not to let me look like an idiot, okay?" JT begged as she dragged Taylor through the door into the store.

By the time the artist explained the answer to the young woman, it became apparent that Jessica was completely enamored of the girl. It was also evident that the young blonde felt the same way about Jessica. The girl flirted as if Taylor wasn't even standing there.

"Well, if you don't have any other questions…" Taylor nearly waved her hand in front of the girl's face.

"Oh, uh, no. You've been more than helpful, thank you so much."

Taylor returned to the back office as Alec and Danny moved away from the door.

"Oh, subtle guys. What if they turned around and saw you?" Taylor chided.

"Are you kidding?" Alec's deep baritone voice laughed. "They've only got eyes for each other. Score!" The man whispered as he turned back into the office where Taylor and Danny stood. "Your daughter got the blonde's phone number. Gee, chip off the old block, Taylor."

"She's not Taylor's daughter." Danny explained who Jessica's mother was.

"Torrey Gray, huh? Cool, think she'll write a book about it?" Alec asked Taylor seriously.

"She might…if she knew." Taylor said, with a keep your mouth shut look.

"Did you know she was gay?" Danny asked.

"I suspected as much."

"Do you think she knows yet?" Danny shot back.

"Oh, God I hope so. If she doesn't I may have to call my mother for pointers!" Taylor replied in exasperation.

Taylor and Jessica actually spent a pleasant day together. By the time they got home and had something to eat they still had a couple of hours until they had to leave for Laguna Beach. Taylor noticed that JT began to get a little nervous and fidgety. The older woman knew the feeling well. She used to exhibit the same pacing behavior and learned to recognize it as a sign that her body or her mind, or both, were craving the peace that drugs could offer.

Taylor pulled the girl by the arm into the studio. JT's furnishings wouldn't arrive for another day or two so the artist sat the young girl in front of her own drafting table.

"Here, draw." Taylor said succinctly.

"Draw what?" JT looked up confused.

"This is the time when you just start drawing whatever comes into your head. Don't worry about what it looks like, just get your mind and your hands busy."

Taylor looked up from her own sketchpad about twenty minutes later to see JT's head bent to the paper, completely lost in her work. The dark-haired artist smiled to herself. It wasn't as if she had thought of the idea, though. Torrey came up with the plan of substituting one addiction for another, one harmless addiction for a destructive one.

It was going to be touch and go with the young girl and Taylor knew she would have to keep one eye open all the time. You don't just grow integrity overnight, even though Jessica was doing well now, Taylor figured she would be playing nursemaid and babysitter for quite a while yet. It would definitely become a test of her patience with her own artwork due to be displayed in another six months. Give me strength, the artist pleaded to whomever took care of such requests.

"So, did you get the name of the girl you met at Danny's today?" Taylor asked. She decided to break a little of the tension in the car. JT was more quiet than usual, from nerves or withdrawal, Taylor couldn't tell. She remembered how literally terrified she had been, going to her first AA meeting.

"Val, Valerie Kane." JT replied.

"Taylor?"

"Hmmm?"

"I don't know if you know it, but I'm gay." JT said nervously.

"I'm always honored when someone trusts me enough to share that information, Jess."

"Jess?"

"Yea?" JT responded.

"So am I." Taylor announced with as little fanfare as possible.

"What?" Jessica nearly shouted, but as soon as her brain had a half-second to think about it, it made sense. Suddenly, somewhere in the back of her mind, a lot of things made sense about the older woman, but JT couldn't quite get a grasp on what she was thinking, it was only a bunch of feelings.

"Does my mom know?" was all the girl could think of to say.

"Yes," Taylor chuckled. "Your mother knew when we were in school together."

"She never told me." JT responded.

"Well, she probably thought that unless I told you, my personal life wasn't anyone else's business." The artist replied.

"Wow." Jessica sat shaking her head. "I thought my mom would freak if I told her about me. You and she weren't…you know?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but no," Taylor answered. "Your mom has always been my best friend and our relationship drew the line there."

"Did you ever think about it?" JT asked as they pulled into a parking lot in front of a small single level building.

"This is the place." Taylor said, quickly opening her door to avoid answering the question. "Why don't you save up your questions for later and just listen for a while, okay?" Taylor finished, ushering the young woman through the front door.

Taylor knew that she narrowly avoided certain disaster with that one. She could only wonder if the young girl walking along side of her would forget the line of questioning by the time they got home tonight or if, like her mother, she had a little bit of pit bull in her and would hold on until she received her answer.

Taylor showed Jessica to a couple of seats by the back aisle. She had a feeling the girl might be a little panicky about the whole scenario and she wanted to give them clear access in case JT decided to bolt in the middle of the meeting. If that turned out to be the case, then so be it. They would come back next Tuesday and try again. There was about twenty minutes before the start of the meeting.

"You okay?" Taylor asked the young girl.

"I guess." JT answered uncertainly.

Taylor reached over and squeezed the girl's hand.

"Don't worry, Jess. You don't have to do anything and you don't have to say anything, just listen. Nobody will embarrass you in any way, so relax, okay?" Taylor said softly.

JT nodded her head and gave a weak smile.

"Taylor, how are you tonight?" A woman nearly as tall as the artist leaned down to kneel on one knee next to Taylor's chair. The two women shook hands and smiled. JT noticed the woman had the most beautiful brown skin she'd ever seen.

"Natalie, I'd like you to meet someone. Jess, this is Natalie," Taylor looked at the young girl. "This is Jessica." Taylor finished with the introduction. "Jess is staying with me for a while," was the only explanation Taylor offered.

"Very nice to meet you Jessica. Don't let us scare you too bad." She said affectionately. "Taylor, I need a favor," she continued, turning to the artist. "Jenny had to go home, she's not feeling too hot. I desperately need someone to speak. You always do a good job. Would you mind?"

"Uh, I don't know," Taylor answered turning to look over at Jessica.

"It's okay," JT responded to the unanswered question. "I'll be okay."

That wasn't exactly the answer Taylor was hoping for. She had been a speaker many times at meetings and counseling groups, but it was always easy when you talked about your past in front of strangers. Now, with Jessica sitting here she wondered what she would say.

"Sure," Taylor answered with a 'you caught me' look.

"Great, you're a lifesaver. I owe you," Natalie said, rising from the floor.

"That's what you always say. I'm waiting to see some of this payback." Taylor responded with a smile.

"You'll get your reward in heaven, my child," Natalie gave her a wicked little smile.

Taylor snorted. "Yea, and what happens when they don't let me in?"

Natalie laughed and winked at the dark-haired woman.

"Welcome, everyone. My name is Natalie."

The meeting started like it always did. Whenever they asked Taylor to speak she always came up with something different, a little on the inspirational side. She overcame a lot to get where she was right now and that gave others a reason to hope too. Now, she sat there a little nervously, waiting for Natalie to call her up to the podium. There were about two dozen people of all ages, races, and backgrounds scattered throughout the room, but the one that scared the hell out of Taylor was the one sitting next to her. She had no idea how Jessica would take it, hearing about her past misdeeds. The artist worried she would end up showing the girl what not to do, as opposed to what she should do. Hell, I just want to be a good example for her.

That little thought tweaked her brain a bit. Isn't that what we've all been doing with Jess? It's damn sure that's what Torrey did. Thinking that we could protect the girl from all the rotten stuff out there by simply pretending it doesn't exist. Poor Torrey didn't know that by trying to protect her daughter, she was driving her right into the things she hid her from. God, it's true...we do become our mothers. Didn't Evelyn try to do the same thing with Torrey and her brother? The woman went through her life thinking if she just never said the words out loud, if she never admitted her son was gay, then that made it true. I will not become that...not with Jessica, and I won't let Torrey go there either.

Taylor broke from her reverie just in time to hear her introduction. Giving a confident wink to the silent girl siting next to her, she took her place behind the microphone. The hum of the mic would give anyone stage fright and Taylor had the kind of speaking voice that didn't need all that much amplification in the first place. She stepped aside of the podium and asked if everyone could still hear her allright. She liked a more casual approach. When everyone nodded she began to tell everyone a little about herself.

Some in the audience already knew the usually reserved artist. She had been coming here every Tuesday night for over fourteen years. Most people shied away from the beautiful woman, but some came up to her to comment on what an inspiration her story or her life was for them. To those brave individuals that crossed her path, she always reserved one of her sparkling smiles and a few moments of encouragement and conversation.

As Taylor began to speak, the back of her mind filled with memories of a room just like this one. Although, that room had been in the basement of an old church in Maine and in August it became sweltering. That's when she first showed up at an AA meeting. It was right after She and Torrey returned from their vacation in California. Taylor was sticking to her word; she hadn't touched so much as an aspirin since the night she admitted she had a drug problem. Some days were definitely easier than others were, but she never gave in to the temptation. Torrey was always there with a hug and practically held Taylor's hand on the bad days, but while the young blonde listened and tried to be supportive, she couldn't completely empathize with her friend's predicament. Torrey had never been addicted to anything. She could practice moderation in anything and often had a hard time trying to put herself in Taylor's place. That's when Torrey came up with the idea of AA. It was a place where Taylor could talk to people that were in the same boat and even talk to some who made it to shore. That day in August changed Taylor's life, but she never admitted, even to Torrey how truly terrified she was.

Taylor stopped talking, noticing it had grown very quite. She stood in front of everyone and dug her hands into her pockets.

"I want all of you to do something," she began. "Take a look around you. Look at the people sitting next to you, in front and behind you." Everyone began looking around at one another.

"All of you have something in common." Taylor said. "And, no, I don't mean that." She said with a chuckle as the members of the audience laughed.

"You're all scared, scared senseless." She said flatly.

Jessica looked up to watch the older woman. She held the audience with rapt attention, her natural alto voice had the ability to command you to listen. When she said those last words, Jessica wondered how the woman could know what she was thinking.

"Most of you are so scared being in this room that you want to run, the other half of you are just too terrified to run. But, you're not alone here; we're all scared just like you. We're afraid that we won't be able to stop or we're afraid because we did stop. There are tons of things to be afraid of, trust me I have enough of them to know." Taylor said with a wry smile. Again most of the people laughed, but not one person got up to leave.

"I'll let you in on a secret. I know the trick to making that fear disappear." Taylor's voice lowered to nearly a whisper, some of the audience literally holding their breath for the older woman's words of wisdom.

"It's having people around you to care about you, to love you, just to be your friend. Those are the reasons you want to stay clean. A lot of us won't do it for ourselves, but we can't let anybody else do it for us. We can accept their help, though. Because, rest assured, there are going to be days when you need a friend, and I promise you, someone to hold your hand through a rough time can be priceless." Taylor walked off the stage and stepped down onto the floor.

"I can tell by looking out at you that a lot of you have someone with you that can already be that reason you decide to care. If you don't have a lover, or family member, or even a coworker to bring with you, don't think you're without friends. We've got a lot of people that work here that are just dying to make friends." Taylor said with a smile.

"Natalie," Taylor called to the back of the room. "Couldn't you use another friend?"

"Absolutely." The counselor shouted back up to the front of the room.

"So, there's no reason to leave here today with your fear. Let somebody help you help yourself, but you have to take the first step. And, if you don't believe it can happen," Taylor reached into her pocket and pulled out the numbered chip. She held the chip up to the light so everyone could see it. "I'm living proof that you can find reasons to stay clean. I have been for fifteen years."

The audience clapped their hands and Taylor returned their thanks with a warm smile before taking her seat next to Jessica.

"Wow," JT said under her breath.

"Is that a good wow or a bad wow?" Taylor asked.

"That's a wow, you should have your own infomercial." Jessica replied with a grin.

Taylor laughed out loud. The young girl's statement and the sound of her own laughter eased the tension she was feeling. Now if she could just get Jess to find her own reasons.

JT leaned against a back wall and watched as her mother's friend kneeled in front of a young girl. The youngster didn't seem to be much older than twelve or thirteen, with her baggy jeans, an oversized t-shirt, and a long sleeved flannel top, she looked like she was trying to play dress up. The two spoke in low tones, a woman who appeared to be the girl's mother sat alongside and ran her fingers lovingly through the girl's long brown hair. Jessica thought of her own mother and wondered what she was doing now and if she should call her.

The girl started crying and Taylor wiped away the tears from her cheeks with a gentle touch. The artist stood and put her arm around the girl, directing her to the table where Natalie sat.

"Nat, how about giving me an eight and a black marker?" Taylor asked.

Natalie searched in a box of chips and handed one over to the taller woman. Taylor flipped the chip over to its number side and began to write the on the chip, right next to the number.

"Corey, here has been clean for over eight hours." Taylor said.

"Excellent job, Corey, we're proud of you." Natalie responded encouragingly.

Corey sniffed and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her shirt, smiling she mumbled a thank you. Taylor twirled the chip through her fingers like a casino dealer. Corey's eyes lit up. Taylor held the chip out to the girl.

"You practice just like that." Taylor said, pulling a business card from her wallet and turning it over to write her cell phone number on the other side. "And, and if it starts to get too rough, you call me and we'll talk, okay?"

The girl nodded, still seeming a little in awe of the tall woman. Then the dark-haired woman stood, said something quietly to the young girl, and then gave Corey a very heartfelt hug. While Jessica watched this interaction between the young girl and the artist she suddenly realized that she missed her mother. As she continued to watch, she wished, for entirely selfish reasons, that Taylor and her mother had stayed together longer.

This time the silence in the car unnerved Taylor. Jessica hadn't said much since they left the meeting. The older woman wondered if hearing Taylor speak so honestly about her past upset the girl. She cleared her throat and it echoed oddly within the darkened vehicle.

"Taylor?" Jessica asked with her face turned toward the window of the car.

"Hhmm?" Taylor responded.

"You think it would be allright if I called my mom tomorrow?" JT questioned.

Taylor was just happy that the darkness inside the car hid her smile.

"Yea, I think she'd like hearing from you." The artist answered.

There wasn't much conversation after that. They arrived home and each woman headed straight for a hot shower and bed. JT looked around for a few minutes and finally found the artist wrapped in her robe sipping a mug of tea on the patio overlooking the cliffs. Her head resting against the back of the chaise lounge she sat in, her eyes slightly closed.

"Hey, I'm turning in." JT said from the door.

Taylor opened one eye and smiled at the girl. JT wasn't quite sure what to say. She wanted to say so much, but none of the words seemed to come to her. Finally she turned to go back inside and stopped in the open doorway.

"Taylor, What were your reasons...The things that made the fear go away?" She asked without turning around.

Taylor placed her mug on the small table beside the chair and leaned her head back, closing her eyes once again.

"I thought you figured it out. It was you and your mom." Taylor said barely above a whisper.

JT nodded as if the answer made perfect sense to her. Then the young girl said goodnight and was gone inside the house.

Taylor waited a few minutes until she was sure Jessica was in her room before she allowed the silent tears to spill down her cheeks. It still hurt so much, even after fifteen years the pain was as fresh as if it happened moments ago. Her arms ached with a pain that was as real as the desire that still burned hot within her. Her heart grieved for a love that would always be unrequited.

Jessica woke up the next day feeling pretty good. She didn't know why, but she didn't want to question it. The first thought on her mind was that she wanted to talk to her mother today. It was watching Taylor interact with Corey last night that started her thinking about she and her mother's relationship.

Jessica spent so many of her growing up years being angry and resentful of her mother, and for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why. It wasn't like Torrey was hurtful, selfish or mean, on the contrary, the small blonde was a completely loving, caring, and nurturing mother. The woman had gone out of her way, made so many self-sacrificing gestures for her daughter that JT lost count. All the lengths her mother went to. Did she really deserve such love?

Jessica was scrubbing her face in the shower by the time the answer came to her. Why hadn't she taken the time before to think like this? She rinsed her face and knew it was a lot easier to think clearly when you weren't drunk or stoned. There were a lot of times when she got high that things seemed clearer to her and she assumed it was an effect of the grass she was smoking. That kind of clarity never lasted, though. It never seemed to make sense. Now as she stood under the warm water of the shower she realized that persistence of vision was relative to where you were at the time.

Now the answer to all her anger toward her mother seemed to open itself up to her like the petals of a flower. Her mother was a wonderful person, just as wonderful as Taylor remembered her. She loved Jessica more than the young girl thought she could ever understand, but JT never thought she deserved that kind of love. It was just something in her that started at a young age. She never thought she was deserving of that kind of love. She certainly wasn't worth all the trouble that Torrey went to. Didn't her mother understand that?

It dawned on the young woman that her mother was a pretty smart lady. Would she have kept wasting her time on her daughter if she knew she was a lost cause? Look at Evelyn. Torrey never spoke to her mother, saying it was a falling out of sorts, even though they both lived within minutes of each other now. Torrey gave up her mother and wrote her off as forgotten. Why didn't Torrey want to do that to Jessica? So, maybe the answer was that Jess wasn't the loser she always thought she was.

She rinsed her mouth over the sink and still held the toothbrush in one hand as she examined her reflection in the mirror. She tried to think of things that made her worth something in another's eyes.

"Well, I'm pretty good looking and I've got cool eyes." She pointed to her image in the mirror with the end of the toothbrush.

"I can draw pretty well, uhm...do a cartwheel, make pancakes and macaroni and cheese, use a computer..." She listed her qualifications aloud.

Jessica frowned at herself in the mirror. All these years, all the hell I put my mom through, pissing my own life away, and why? All because I actually resented my mom for loving me. Like I held it against her because I thought she should see that I wasn't worthy of her love. Geez, Jess, you really fucked this part of your life up.

In moments JT's frown turned into a crooked smile. She would call her mom right now and tell her what a great mom she's really been. With that decision the young woman quickly dressed and made her way into the kitchen. She found the new coffee maker they purchased yesterday and set it up, filling the filter with green tea leaves. She ran back to the hall to see what time it was, since the maker wouldn't brew until the time was set. The Grandfather clock near the living room said 5:15. JT was amazed. She couldn't remember when she'd ever gotten up this early without an alarm. Guess what mom said was true. If you get to bed at a decent hour, you can get up. Geez, I'm gonna hate it if she's always gonna be right now.

Once she had the tea brewing she knew she couldn't call her mother. There was at least an hour's time difference between California and Illinois, two because of daylight savings time, but 7:15 was still way too early to wake the famous author. Jessica had no idea what to do at five o'clock in the morning, she rarely even saw that hour unless she was coming home. She was kind of hungry, though. She got an idea and she hoped Taylor would be allright with it.

Taylor awoke to a smell that reminded her even more of the woman she'd spent most of the night dreaming about. It smelled like someone was actually cooking, and unless her mother was here for a visit, Jess must have gotten inventive. She was afraid of what she would see so she gave up the idea of heading for the bathroom first and sauntered out to the kitchen.

"Morning," Jess said with a smile.

"Morning yourself, what have you got going there?" Taylor asked.

"Bacon is frying now and I'm going to start the pancakes in a few minutes. Do you like pancakes?"

"I don't know," Taylor responded with a chuckle, "I haven't had them in years. It all smells pretty good, though."

Taylor poured herself a cup of the hot tea. "Do I have time for a shower?"

"Sure, go for it." Jessica replied.

Taylor made her way back to her bathroom and turned the shower stall's faucet on to warm up the water. She took another sip of tea and placed the mug on the vanity. She smiled to herself, thinking how easy it was to become domesticated again.

"So is today a holiday or what?" Taylor asked, sitting down to the table and shaking wet hair from her eyes. Jessica had made enough pancakes for a small army, bacon, and orange juice.

"I would have made coffee too, but I didn't have a clue how much to use. Does there have to be a reason? I mean, can't it just be thanks for everything you're doing for me?" Jessica answered sincerely.

Taylor continued to stare at the girl, one eyebrow rising up to disappear beneath her ebony bangs.

Jessica knew when she was beat. "Okay, you win." The young woman said and related the story of how she had risen before the sun, not realizing how early it was. She also threw in the fact that her mother had been right about how getting enough sleep would let you wake up earlier.

"Don't you hate it when your mom's right all the time?" JT finished.

"We're in absolute agreement there, but the longer you live the more you will find that statement to be true. Trust me, it can be unnerving at times." Taylor agreed.

By the time they had finished the meal, both women were more than full. Taylor was amazed at the amount of food the young girl could put away.

"Jess, this was great, thanks. I haven't had anyone cook for me aside from my mother in a long time. And, if you don't mind me saying it, you have an appetite like your mother's. If I ate the way you two did I'd be as big as a house."

Jessica grinned. "Yea, the Chinese place loves to get our carry out business. Don't get too used to it, though. I only know how to cook two things, pancakes and macaroni and cheese. I sure wish I knew how to make that pot roast my mom always fixed in the winter time."

"Yea," Taylor agreed. "With all the vegetables cut up with it."

"Yea," JT added. "I think we should have gotten that cookbook yesterday." She finished wistfully.

"I think you're right." She laughed. "You can call your mom now if you want, she should be up by now." Taylor said consulting the sport watch on her wrist. "I'll get out of your hair, on one condition."

Jessica looked suspiciously at the older woman.

"Let me look at your sketch books." Taylor whispered.

Jessica smiled and walked off in the direction of her bedroom. She came back with about a half dozen small sketch pads and laid them on the table in front of the artist.

"Just don't expect too much, okay?" JT asked nervously.

"Don't worry, I have no expectations." Taylor poured one more cup of tea and moved to the patio doors. "I'll be outside if you need anything. Tell your mom I said hi." Taylor said as she closed the door behind her.

Jessica grabbed the cordless phone from its cradle on the wall and paused. She wondered if she ought to plan out what she wanted to say. She finally decided that playing it by ear would work better. She quickly punched in the numbers that she knew by heart.

Her mother's voice answered on the second ring.

"Hey, mom." JT said nervously.

"Jess? Honey, are you okay?" Torrey asked in alarm.

"No, mom, it's okay. I'm doing fine. I just wanted to call you and, you know, let you know I got here okay and say hi."

"I'm so glad you did, Jess." Torrey replied realizing that Taylor probably made the girl call. "Is everything going allright so far?"

"Oh, yea. Taylor's pretty cool. I mean I've managed to piss her off a couple times, but she's fair, ya know? You should see this house, mom."

With that Jessica began a descriptive narrative about the house and Dana Point. She told her mother about everything from buying an art table at Danny's to eating at a deli called Simon's. Torrey smiled at the memory.

"I could kill for a Simon Special." Torrey said.

"Oh, mom those are so disgusting. Taylor ate one and said you ate two of them when you were here when I was a baby."

Torrey laughed at her daughter's comment. "So, tell me more."

Jessica just kept going. She couldn't remember a time when she'd chattered away with her mom like this. Actually Torrey couldn't either and the writer's greatest fear was realized. Her daughter's problems were because of her. Suddenly Torrey became quiet and Jessica had to ask a couple of times if she was still there.

"How are you getting along with Taylor?" Torrey asked, but to JT, her mother's voice sounded strange.

Jessica looked outside onto the patio love seat. Taylor was looking at the young girl's drawings, occasionally sipping from her mug, her bare feet tucked up under her legs. At first Jessica began to sing the artist's praises, but she stopped short, as she understood why her mother's voice sounded strained.

"You know, Taylor really is great, I mean, I know why you were such good friends and she makes a pretty good second mom, but...well, she's not you, mom." JT could tell her mother had started to cry and it pulled painfully at her heart.

"Mom...I went to an AA meeting with Taylor last night. I think it's really going to help me." JT admitted.

"I'm so proud of you, Jess," Torrey said softly, "That takes a lot of courage. I know you'll do well."

"Well, I wanted to call you today because...well, I wanted you to know what a great mom I think you are."

Torrey couldn't stop the tears that took over. Relief at her daughters words flooded through her.

"Please, mom don't cry." Jessica pleaded helplessly.

"Oh, honey, it's okay. I'm crying because I'm so happy." Torrey tried to reassure her daughter.

"If you say so." JT responded. "Not sure I get why you would cry if you're happy, though."

"Jess, my greatest wish for you is that someday something happens to make you so happy that you cry. It's the only way you'll know how I'm feeling right now."

Jessica continued to share some of the things she'd discovered in the last two days. The young woman never thought she would ever hear pride in her mother's voice over her. She thought it was the greatest sound in the world. She had her reasons now. If she ever thought giving up her addictions for herself wasn't a good enough reason to keep going, she now had two other reasons; her two moms.

"I miss you, mom." JT whispered into the phone.

"Honey, I miss you too, more than you'll ever know." Torrey responded in a loving voice.

"Hey, Taylor says hi. Do you want to talk to her?"

"Uhm, yea that would be great."

Torrey meant to say no, but the thought of hearing the low alto of Taylor's voice took control of her decision.

"Hey, Jess, before you go I want you to know I love you." Torrey said.

"I love you too, mom." JT said. The young woman thought it was probably the first time she'd said those words to her mother in a very long time.

Jessica opened the door to the outside patio just as Taylor looked up.

"Mom wants to talk to you." JT said as she handed the artist the phone.

"How did it go?" Taylor asked as she held her hand over the receiver.

Jessica gave her a thumbs-up sign and a smile. Just as she turned to go back inside she thought of something she had wanted to ask her mother.

"I forgot, let me talk to her again when you're done okay?" JT asked.

Taylor nodded her head and watched Jessica walk back inside and begin cleaning the kitchen of their breakfast dishes.

"Hey, Little Bit." Taylor said into the phone.

"Hey, Stretch." Torrey answered. "I only have one question for you."

Taylor's eyes narrowed as she wondered what Jessica told her mother. "Yesss?" she drawled.

"Who was that girl I just talked to and what have you done with my daughter?" Torrey asked in amazement.

Taylor leaned back her head and laughed. The sound was a balm to the soul for two women whose hearts were hurting for the same reasons.

Nearly an hour later Taylor walked back into the kitchen.

"Here you wanted to talk to your mom again?" Taylor asked, holding the phone out.

"Yea," JT replied reaching for the telephone. "Hey, mom? How do you make that pot roast of yours?"

"You and mom talked for quite a while. Did I come up at all?" JT fished for information.

"Believe it or not, squirt, your mom and I were having conversations long before you were even around, but no we didn't talk about you. I promised, remember?" Taylor responded. "Oh, wait she did ask me one thing about you."

"Yea?" JT asked.

"She wanted to know if I'd planted some kind of pod under your bed and you'd changed into an alien." Taylor said with a straight face.

"She did not!" JT finally said as she watched the large toothy grin break across the artist's face.

Taylor laughed as she went outside to retrieve the young girl's sketchbooks.

"Jess, I'm very impressed, and I think you know me well enough by now to know that I don't impress easily. These are very, very good."

"Really?" JT sounded stunned.

"Would you stop drawing if I said I was just being nice?" Taylor asked.

"No, probably not." JT responded honestly.

"Good, because I'm not. You've got a great deal of talent Jess, but talent won't always be enough. There are a lot of talented artists out there. You have to work damned hard, every single day to achieve your goal if you want to be doing this for a living." Taylor lectured.

"Have you ever thought about doing something with your art for a living...ever think of going to college?" Taylor asked as she stood next to the girl.

Jessica looked up into the taller woman's cerulean gaze and gave a wry smile.

"Frankly, Taylor, the only thing on my mind so far today is how to get through the whole day without screwing something up." JT replied.

Taylor laughed at the girl's response and the serious look on her face. She put her arm around the girl's shoulders and pulled her toward the art studio.

"Well, let's just see if we can help you with your dilemma." The artist said with a smile.

Torrey was back in Chicago feeling alone most days, but clung to the hope that it would all become right in the end. That belief had gotten her through some of the roughest periods in her life and it was never more important for her to believe than right now. Her writing still had not come around, but that too she gave up to the fates to decide.

She toyed with the idea of teaching again. There was a time when she was an Assistant professor in English Literature for the University, downtown, when she and Jess first moved to Chicago. Now, she had had three offers for full time faculty work. The University here wanted her to head up their English Literature Department, as well as her alma mater offering her the same position. The one that tempted her the most was the University of California. It would be a definite life altering decision and she wasn't in any frame of mind to make it yet, until she knew what would happen with Jessica. Then there would be the fact that she would live within driving distance from Taylor. Yes, the woman that still held her heart so completely was single now, but what if she should finally meet someone and settle down. Could Torrey's heart take that?

A lot of pain and loneliness was dispelled for the writer when she answered her door on Valentine's Day. The local florist delivered two dozen white roses, her favorite. Each dozen had been arranged in a separate vase with a card attached. When she opened the two cards she immediately recognized the hurried scrawl of her daughter and the precise, angular characters of Taylor's handwriting. She fingered the jade heart around her neck, remembering this same holiday many years ago. Each card in her hand bore the same message.

The laughter those cards caused carried her through until the next time she heard their voices on the telephone, and just like walking, she put one foot in front of the other and kept going each and every day.

Days quickly turned into weeks. Taylor and Jessica both had good and bad days. Taylor would sometimes get silent and brooding as she worried about a new project or a piece she was currently trying to finish for the show. Jessica had days when she never thought about drugs or alcohol at all, then there were the days when it would all come crashing in on her. When that happened, Taylor would drop everything to spend additional time with the girl.

In the meantime, Jessica had earned hero status in the eyes of Corey, the young girl from their Tuesday night group. Taylor had Corey's mom bring her by the studio and they would all go down to the beach or out for a sandwich, sometimes a movie. Even Jessica had to admit that she found a friend in the youngster and soon began to overlook the case of hero worship Corey suffered from.

On one occasion Corey's mother dropped the girl off and Taylor took the two younger girls to Anaheim for the day. It was the first time either of them had been to Disneyland and they had the time of their young lives. Jessica even tried to get Taylor to go on one of the newer daredevil rides with her and Corey.

"Come on, Taylor. Look, see it's not that bad." Jessica pleaded.

Taylor looked up and up as a car filled with strapped in passengers climbed higher into the sky, then the artist watched as the car plunged straight toward the earth at a dizzying speed. Twenty years ago she would have been the first one in line, but now the only thing the dark-haired woman could do was groan.

"I'd like my lunch to stay in my stomach where I put it, thanks. I'll just have a nice cold drink and wait for you two over there." She indicated a shaded park area.

As she watched the two girls walk off to wait in line, she did indeed feel a little old. She was only forty and felt wonderful, physically. She felt old, however, when she realized it had been sixteen years since she and Torrey visited this park. Jessica was a little over a year old on that trip to San Diego. The dark-haired artist looked back with regret because it had been the last time she and Torrey ever went anywhere together. It was only a long weekend, but since Taylor was representing her company at a convention in Los Angeles on Friday, they thought the perfect way to spend the rest of the weekend would be to visit Jean Kent.

As Jessica sat at the kitchen table sipping her tea, she watched the artist on the outside patio. Donning black silk drawstring pants and a black tank top the artist was as oblivious to the outside world as Jessica always thought her mother to be when she worked her Tai Chi routine. The tall woman moved without a sound, her eyes heavy lidded as she acted without really thinking about the motion.

The young girl thought it strange that she should have the same sensation watching Taylor run through her morning ritual as she did when watching her mother. It was an odd feeling of incompleteness. Like she was only seeing part of the picture, waiting for something more to be revealed. She didn't understand it, but didn't dwell on it either.

Since she moved here to live with the quiet, reserved artist she felt a number of odd sensations like that. Taylor tried to explain that they were probably just memories that a child's brain stores up. She went on to tell Jessica that it shouldn't seem all that strange if her touch or her smile seemed familiar to the young girl, considering that Taylor lived with her for the first two years of her life.

JT was pulled from her musings by the patio door opening as Taylor stepped inside, tousling her hair as she walked by. The young girl had never lived with anyone whose emotion ran the gamut like Taylor's did. Open and passionate, she could also be sullen and brooding. There were days when they would take a walk and Taylor would place her arm around her shoulder just as her mother would sometimes slip an arm around her waist. Then still other days when they barely exchanged a word. Taylor would apologize and explain that the deadline of her show was drawing near and she was feeling the tension of it.

Today, Jessica was in her own thoughts working on a special drawing. It was almost finished, but she still needed to have it framed. It was a pen and ink sketch of her mother and Jessica as a baby. It was taken from a photograph that JT always kept with her. She worked hard on it in order to finish it in time to be a mother's day present. She was cutting it close, but there was a place in Dana Point that would matte and frame it for her in only two days time.

After Taylor showered and worked at her drawing table for a couple hours she reentered the kitchen for a glass of iced tea.

"Tell me again why we spent so much money on an art table for you?" Taylor asked in amusement.

Jessica was sprawled across the kitchen table; paper and lead pencils of varying widths lay scattered across the table too. The young girl smiled sheepishly up at the dark-haired woman and shrugged her shoulders slightly.

"That's what I thought." Taylor answered with a smile.

Jessica moved off to the studio and Taylor walked outside, making her way toward the back of the house and the large Japanese garden. This was her quiet place. The cool shade of the bamboo trees and the sound of the water cascading down the natural rock waterfall served to relax her more than any other form of meditation. She sipped on her cool drink and wondered to herself what Torrey would think of the garden.

Taylor smiled. The blonde would probably want to bring out her laptop and write, sitting here on the cushioned loveseat. Then again, Torrey had always been able to write anywhere. Perhaps that's why the writer and the artist fit so well together. They were both cut from the same creative bolt of cloth. What had Torrey said one time? Yes, two sides of the same coin. Whenever Taylor was to meet her small friend for dinner or drinks, she was inevitably hung up in her office. The artist would walk into the bar or restaurant to find Torrey furiously scribbling away on napkins. If she had a thought she just had to get it down on paper, lest she lose the flavor or meaning of the words. In the same circumstance, when Taylor got something in her mind that would make a good drawing or a sculpture, she would start sketching the idea out on whatever was handy at the time. One of her most expensive works to date had been born in the local grocery store on the side of a paper bag. Neither woman ever took offense at the other's preoccupation. It was a given that the creative flow came first in their household.

Taylor laid the length of her body on the loveseat, clasping her hands behind her head. She and Jess had a late night of talking the previous evening and her eyes were so tired she couldn't quite focus on her work. Jessica seemed to be having no problem, however. Oh to be seventeen again, Taylor thought to herself as her eyes drooped a little, the sound of running water lulling her into a sleepy state.

She was so proud of Jessica. The young girl and their friend Corey received their ninety-day chips a few weeks ago during their A.A. meeting. Taylor wanted to do something special for Jessica. The day after, Taylor surprised the girl by taking her to the computer store and letting her pick out the system that she'd been dropping hints about for the last few weeks. The young girl admitted to having a fascination with animation. With a computer and a scanner, she wanted to try her hand and see if she was any good at it.

Last night Taylor saw the fruits of the girl's labors. Jessica had created a character based on herself. She said if she was ever able to do anything with it, the cartoon character might be able to help other young people. The animation she created only lasted about two minutes, but she put hundreds of drawings into it. Of course, Jessica's faithful sidekick, Corey came over to help. Jess gave the younger girl the task of handing her the right picture to scan and keeping all the drawings in the right number order.

Taylor was extremely impressed with the end result. It showed her that Jessica definitely had a talent in this area. That's why the late night. The two began talking about what JT wanted to do with her future and the girl's wish was to try to get into a decent art school. That kind of thinking thrilled Taylor and she and JT stayed up half the night discussing school and the pros and cons of the ones that Taylor was familiar with. The early morning conversation ended with Taylor promising the young girl that she would get in touch with an old friend that was working at Pixar studios. The artist explained that he would probably know what direction she should start off in.

So, Jessica had been clean for ninety days and when the young girl stood up to thank the people of the group for their friendship and support, the dark-haired artist looked on with pride in her heart. Taylor's eyes were fully closed now, but her brain was working overtime as she remembered the summer of her first anniversary of living drug free. It was the summer that Torrey graduated from the University.

"Hey, Taylor, do you have any large size paper. This is all I have left." JT asked.

"Sure. Take a look in one of the drawers in the large wooden organizer against the back wall of the studio." The artist replied absently as she chewed on the end of her pencil. She and Jess were trying to work on their tans and sketch at the same time on the front patio. Taylor had become preoccupied of late with one last piece she had in mind for her show, but she just couldn't get it right.

Quite a bit of time went by and Jessica had not yet returned. Taylor looked through the patio window into the kitchen, but didn't see any sign of the young girl. Suddenly the artist remembered what the young girl asked her for. Taylor's eyes took on a slightly wide-eyed, panicky look. Jumping up from her chair, the sketchbook in her lap fell noisily to the ground. She never saw the book hit the ground, loose papers fluttering across the tiled patio, as she stepped quickly over it and rushed into the house, headed for the studio.

The stained glass doors stood open, Taylor could make out Jessica's form leaning against the wooden organizer, loose pieces of paper scattered across it's top. Half a dozen of the drawers were partially pulled open, their contents clearly visible. Jessica turned to the sound Taylor made as she walked into the room.

The artist stopped when she saw the look on JT's face. When their eyes met, Taylor knew her secret was no longer her own. The dark-haired woman slowly walked to the young girl and stood beside her. With deliberate slowness she took the drawings from Jessica's hand and began replacing them into the drawers.

Jessica continued to stare at the images on the paper, hundreds, thousands of drawings. Some were quick and sketchy, while others were well thought out, their lines dark and permanent. All the images that looked back up at JT were those of her mother. The sheaves of paper on top of the organizer, now loose, were nudes, some in very erotic poses. Taylor silently collected those too and placed them in a drawer. The tall artist opened the bottom drawer of the organizer and pulled some blank sheets of paper out. After placing them in front of the speechless girl, Taylor turned and left the room.

Jessica wasn't certain what was going on, but she was sure of one thing, there was a lot more to Taylor and her mother's relationship than either one of them ever told her. The young girl wasn't exactly sure what she was going to say, but she left the studio in search of Taylor.

The dark-haired woman sat in the corner of the Japanese garden on the familiar loveseat. She knew that if and when Jessica wanted answers she would find her. When the door to the garden clicked open, Taylor never looked up. She felt Jessica's weight as the young girl seated herself beside the older woman.

"I'm sorry, Jess." She said in nearly a whisper. "I never meant for you to find out, especially not that way."

"I thought you said you and mom were never lovers?" JT asked. It wasn't an accusation, just curiosity.

"We weren't." Taylor said flatly, tears beginning to glisten in her eyes.

Jessica may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but this one seemed obvious.

"You wanted to be, though, didn't you?" She questioned.

Taylor thought of the many ways she could answer this one, the word games she could attempt in order to try and get out of this situation. She couldn't lie, though, not to Jess and not about this. If she lied right now then JT had every right to believe she had lied about other things. There was only one thing she could do to keep their relationship from unraveling. She had to tell the truth.

Taylor looked into the young girl's eyes, giving her a sad half-smile, and, as a tear slid from her own eye she answered.

"Yes, I did. As a matter of fact, I still do."

"Wow," JT sighed. "I, uhm, I don't know what to make of this. You mean to tell me mom never knew?"

"No, and I don't want her to either, Jess. Please promise me you won't interfere, that you won't say anything to your mother about this." Taylor pleaded.

"You should tell her, Taylor. I mean, maybe she feels the same--"

Taylor interrupted the young girl. "Jessica, your mom is straight and I'm gay. I fell in love with her and she left the life we shared to be with someone else, a man. It doesn't get any plainer than that."

"Who was this guy?" JT asked.

"I don't know, I never met him. I think you can kind of understand now, why I never wanted to. Torrey and I went our separate ways in January of eighty-five and she took a job in Chicago to be with him. I guess, I just assumed it never worked out. She never volunteered any information and I never asked." Taylor explained.

"You must have that part mixed up. I can't ever remember mom having a thing with any guy. Hell, she always used to go out with Rick, her agent, to parties and stuff because she said she didn't want to have the hassle of a date." Jessica replied.

"You were only two, Jess. Hell, you barely remember me." Taylor responded.

"Yea, I don't remember a lot, but the thing is I do remember you and I was a lot younger when you were with us." JT shot back.

"One of us is mixed up, Jess" Taylor said as a thoughtful frown graced her features. "What reason could your mother possibly have had to lie to me about it?"

"I don't know, Taylor, but I know one thing. In the last fourteen or fifteen years since you two split, I don't think I've ever seen mom go out with a single person, period." Jessica said softly.

"Taylor?"

"Yea?"

"Can you tell me why you don't want mom to know?" Jessica asked.

Taylor didn't look over at Jess; she just ran her slender fingers through the raven mane and leaned against the chair's armrest.

"I don't want to ever think that I pressured Torrey into something she didn't really want. You know how your mom can be. She always used to be so concerned with my feelings, not even thinking about herself half the time. I guess I was always afraid that if she felt like I wanted her that way, she might sleep with me out of obligation and not love. If that happened, it would kill me, Jess. I'd rather go on just dreaming of her loving me than to ever have that happen."

Jessica nodded her head in sympathy and understanding. In a strange way, she could comprehend the artist's fears. She had the oddest sensation however that she wasn't seeing the whole picture. Like one of those three-dimensional pictures that you had to practically look cross-eyed at to see the full picture. She tried to describe the focusing technique necessary to view the picture once to her mother. The only way she could think of to explain the process was to say that you had to act like you were trying to look through the picture. That's the way this whole scenario felt to the young girl. Like they were missing the forest for the trees.

"Is that why you stayed with mom? You know, supported us and helped raise me? Is that why I'm here now?" JT asked unexpectedly.

"Know this, Jess. The things I did for your mother, I did because I loved her, not because I was in love with her. Torrey was my best friend long before I wanted more from our relationship. She was, and is, an incredibly giving and caring woman who cares more for other people than she ever has for herself. Tell me, how do you not love that?" Taylor asked the young girl honestly.

Jessica smiled and nodded her head at the older woman.

"Taylor, do you have any of mom's books here?" JT asked.

"Sure, in the library, I have all of them." Taylor answered with a quizzical stare. "Have you ever read them?"

Jessica looked embarrassed, as she shook her head no.

"Help yourself," Taylor responded. "I've told you the stories, Jess, but you'll never learn more about what's in her heart or the way that woman thinks, than by reading her books."

"Hey, you hungry?" Taylor said, changing the subject. "How about we take an early break and have lunch at the Szechwan place?"

"Excellent suggestion." JT smiled, the two women rising at once.

"Don't worry, Taylor," JT said, slipping her arm around the older woman's waist. "Mom will never hear it from me."

"Thanks, squirt." Taylor replied, leaning down to lightly kiss the young girl's forehead.